In Your Eyes
by southernbangel
Summary: Two broken souls. One unexpected night. Can they find the strength to heal each other and in turn, heal themselves?
1. This Emptiness Fills My Heart

**Author's Notes**: _Finally_ posting a new story after forever. This will be a multi-part fic (exact number of chapters TBD), which is still something (relatively) new to me. Other than _Th__e Search for Something_ More, all my stories have been one-shots. So, this will be interesting, to say the least. Not a ground-breaking idea for a story, I know, but one that wouldn't leave me alone. The first two chapters will be fairly short as I introduce Haley and Nathan and a bit of their backstories, but the remaining chapters will be longer.

Inspired by Peter Gabriel's song "In Your Eyes." I hope you enjoy and any feedback would be greatly appreciated!

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Will never be mine.

* * *

**Chapter One – This Emptiness Fills My Heart**

The alcohol burned as she swallowed. She licked her lips, not wanting to miss a drop. Nearly every night she came into the bar, not seeking company other than the glass in front of her. She hardly spoke, except to order another drink, and if anyone dared approach her, he quickly learned that she was not in the mood for company. Her friends were whiskey (whiskey was a good friend), sometimes bourbon, but mostly vodka (vodka was a _very_ good friend). She drank because she hurt, and the alcohol made her forget, at least for awhile, the pain that ate away at her every day, leaving her breathless and wondering how she got to this place. She drank until the pain went away. She drank until his voice, or the memories of her, disappeared. She drank until she felt nothing, and then, only then, did she feel a sense of accomplishment for the day. Sometimes that took two drinks, sometimes it took more, but she drank until the only thing that mattered was the pleasant numbness that kept her going.

She may have been a spectacular failure at life and love, but when it came to alcohol, Haley James was a roaring success.

It wasn't always that way. She used to have everything she had ever dreamed of as a little girl. The perfect job, the loving boyfriend, supportive family and friends. Then, it all disappeared, one by one, and all she could do was watch as her life crumbled around her.

Sometimes she wondered what her life would be like if one or two things had been different. If she hadn't come home early that day, or if she hadn't missed that phone call…. But that wasn't her reality. Her reality was this bar and the drink in front of her.

She raised the glass and took another sip, grimacing slightly at the icy bite of the liquor. She remained in solitude, the alcohol her only companion, until she felt someone sit next to her and heard the raspy voice she knew as well as her own.

"The lonely drunk at the bar is a little played out, isn't it?"

Haley snorted. "I could say the same for you. Come to rescue me again?"

"Are you admitting you need rescuing?"

Haley glanced at the person beside her and couldn't stop the small smile that graced her lips. For all that she had lost, there remained one good thing in her life: her friendship with Brooke Davis.

She met Brooke at the University of North Carolina at the beginning of their sophomore year. They lived next door to each other in the dorm, and Haley literally ran into Brooke on move in day, when she stumbled while carrying a box of clothes and fell onto the pretty brunette. An elbow to the head, a profuse round of apologies, and one lunch later, the two were fast friends and remained inseparable through their remaining years at UNC. The two were polar opposites: Brooke, the bubbly cheerleader who chased boys and clothes with the same passion, and Haley, the quiet, studious tutor who preferred to remain on the sidelines. Although different in nature, the girls had one thing in common: they would do anything for the other.

Their friendship grew quickly as Brooke encouraged Haley to step out of the shadows and tap into her hidden "bad girl" and Haley brought a sense of calmness and maturity to the cheerleader's sometimes chaotic world. They were each other's rock, sounding board, fashion consultant, tutor…. They were Cheer Slut and Tutor Girl (Brooke's self-appointed nicknames for the duo) and neither could imagine a day when they wouldn't be best friends.

"Why? Are you my Prince Charming?" Haley laughed.

Brooke rolled her eyes. "Please. My lesbian phase was so college." She flashed a quick grin, but it faded when she noticed the glassy haze to Haley's eyes. She wasn't too far gone yet, but Brooke knew that if Haley finished the drink she had, it wouldn't be long before she was totally drunk. She needed to get her friend out of the bar now, before it got worse.

"What do you say we get some ice cream, pick up a cheesy romance movie or two, and have a girls' night in at my place?" Brooke asked.

Haley shrugged, not really caring. She knew what Brooke was doing, and the tiny voice in her head that hadn't yet been drowned out by the alcohol told her to go. To get up and leave, walk out of the bar and do something so innocent like pigging out on ice cream and watching movies. She couldn't remember the last time she engaged in such carefree behavior.

Besides, she had noticed Brooke talking to the bartender Owen when she walked into the bar and Haley knew her friend had told him to cut her off. If she couldn't drink to oblivion at the bar, she could do it at Brooke's house.

"Why not? I can always pick up some wine at the grocery store," Haley said as she slowly stood, being careful to keep her hand on the bar as a way to steady herself. The last thing she needed was to fall and make a fool of herself.

"Haley," Brooke warned, "no drinking, okay? Can… can you handle that?"

Haley rolled her eyes. She knew that Brooke's question was valid, she hadn't done much over the last six months to make Brooke think otherwise, but it still annoyed her it had to be asked.

"Yes, Brooke," she replied, her words dripping with the sarcasm she had always been known for. "I think I can handle one night with alcohol."

Although, if she was honest with herself, she wasn't too sure. Without alcohol, everything became more real. The truth of her life, and how she had screwed up over the last six months, couldn't be so easily ignored.

She felt Brooke's eyes on her as she leaned down to grab her purse, only slightly swaying as she stood back up. _Just one step at a time_, she told herself as she made her way to the door, Brooke falling in step next to her.

"Can—can you mak—"

Before Brooke could finish, Haley shot her a glare. "_Yes_, Brooke. I am perfectly capable of walking on my own. I may be a drunk, but I can walk."

Like with everything else in her life, Haley ignored the small stumbles she took as she made her way to Brooke's car.

* * *

One stop at the video store and another at the grocery store (where Brooke made sure to get Haley's favorite ice cream, mint chocolate chip, a gesture that made Haley smile) later, they were back at Brooke's apartment, curled up on the couch in comfy pajamas, two spoons in hand. Brooke grabbed the remote and started the movie before opening her container of butter pecan ice cream.

"I love this movie," she signed as the opening credits of _The Notebook_ appeared on screen.

"I know, Brookie. We've only watched it a million times," Haley laughed as she dug her spoon through her ice cream.

Brooke scoffed. "Please, _I_ wasn't the one who said she was going to marry Ryan Gosling."

"Brooke! That was like eight years ago when we were in college! And I was kidding!"

"Mmm-hmm, yeah right, Tutor Girl. I believe you were the one to have, hmm… how shall I phrase it? Oh yeah, naughty, dirty sex dreams about him!" Brooke giggled at the indignant look on her friend's face.

Haley lightly kicked Brooke. "You are awful, Brooke Davis. Why am I friends with you again?"

"Because you love and adore me," Brooke teased in a sing-song voice.

"Yeah, yeah. Maybe," Haley grumbled. "You're just lucky I do."

The two friends sat in companionable silence as they watched the movie. It reminded Haley of nights during college when ice cream and a sappy romantic movie were the cure-alls for anything that ailed them. Bad grade in class, a break-up, fight with parents… there was nothing Ryan Gosling and ice cream couldn't fix once upon a time. For a moment, she wished it were still that simple, that all that was broken inside her could be healed with something as simple as a Friday night with her best friend and _The Notebook_. If she closed her eyes, she could picture herself back in the dorm room she shared with Brooke their junior and senior years, where they laughed and cried and loved and fought and everything seemed so easy and their dreams were within reach.

For a moment, Haley was at peace. She was with her best friend and she could almost imagine that everything was okay. That she wasn't the shell of the girl she had once been, the alcohol leaving her life in shatters. She was simply Haley.

"We haven't done this in a long time," Brooke said, breaking the silence. "Reminds me of—"

"College. I was just thinking the same thing," Haley spoke softly, her gaze focusing on the blanket that covered her legs. She picked at the fleece blanket, studiously avoiding Brooke's gaze. She couldn't stand the pity she found in her friend's eyes.

"It's nice, hanging out like we used to, before…" Brooke trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

Haley remained silent, throat clogging with the words she desperately wanted to say but couldn't. Maybe if she talked about what had happened, if she forced herself to confront the demons that haunted her, she could begin to heal. Maybe this was her opening, her opportunity to deal with the events of the last six months. Maybe this had been Brooke's plan all along, to lull her into a false sense of peace, of familiarity enough so that Haley felt she could finally open up.

It would be so easy, just open her mouth and tell Brooke everything she had been feeling since that phone call six months ago. Confess her sins, unburden her soul from the aching pain that threatened to consume her every day. Just a few simple words and she could begin to heal.

But things weren't that simple, and they hadn't been for a long time. She had done too much, fallen too far, to ever be whole again.


	2. I Get So Lost, Sometimes

**Author's Notes****:** Thank you so much for all of the feedback-the reviews, alerts and more. I really appreciate it all, I can't tell you how much I do. I hope you enjoy this next chapter as Nathan and a bit of his story is introduced. These first two chapters were relatively short, but from here on out, the chapters should be longer.

Thanks again for the reviews and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter Two – I Get So Lost, Sometimes**

He blinked his eyes wearily, the muted flicker of the television providing little light in the darkened room. Empty beers were strewn along the coffee table, a stray pizza box, its contents long discarded, joining the clutter. Hastily kicked off shoes were tangled amongst the mess of dirty clothes, mail and other unidentifiable garbage littering the floor. There was a faint odor in the air, of stale beer and unwashed clothes. The room was a disaster but it couldn't compare to the man sitting on the couch.

He sat alone, his gaze dull and unfocused on whatever was showing on the television. His brown hair, normally kept short and neat, hung in longish, unruly waves. A five o'clock shadow threatened to become a ten o'clock beard as he hadn't bothered to shave in a week or two.

He sat alone, as day turned into night into day again, his company the alcohol and whatever shitty television show was on. He ignored the phone whenever it rang, not even bothering to look at the caller id, knowing it would be his brother calling to check on him yet again. For the last month, his brother was the only one who ever called. The other calls—from his agent, his friends, and his girlfriend—abruptly ceased about three weeks after the incident. The only one that surprised him was his agent; Nathan figured the money-grubbing asshole would have stuck around a little bit longer. The fact that his friends and girlfriend dropped him wasn't a shock. The only shock was that they stuck around for as long as they did. After all, what good was a washed-up basketball player who was the architect of his own demise?

After seeing his dream of playing in the NBA blow up in his face, Nathan retreated to his New York apartment, hiding away from the world and drowning his sorrows in whatever alcohol he could get his hands on. His life, which had once been, if not perfect, at least happy at times, turned into a blur of drunken days and even drunker nights. Over the last four months, the only thing that numbed the pain was the alcohol. The physical pain was something he could easily deal with—growing up as an elite athlete and with Dan fucking Scott as a father taught Nathan to ignore and fight through any physical pain. The emotional pain, however, was a different story. Nathan didn't do feelings. He played basketball, he partied, he fucked, he indulged in the benefits that came with being a fairly well-known, recognizable star in the NBA. Emotions weren't a part of his life. Other than his brother and his mother, he didn't love—except for the perks his status brought him. He drifted through life, not desiring anything more than what he had in front of him.

Then the accident happened, and he watched as his world crumbled around him. The alcohol allowed him to forget, at least for awhile, that he once had everything he had ever dreamed of within his grasp and that he had thrown it all away with one single decision.

As the phone rang for the fifth or sixth beer that day—Nathan no longer measured time in hours but rather in beers—he ignored it, reaching instead for the nearly empty bottle on the table in front of him.

It would only be Lucas, inviting Nathan over for dinner or to meet his new girlfriend, Brooke Davis, and Nathan wasn't interested. This was his life now—alone, drunk and hurting.

Nathan Scott didn't feel as if he deserved more.

* * *

The loud banging on the front door, echoing the pounding in his brain, woke him. He raised his head, wincing as the early morning light pierced his eyes. He rubbed a hand along his jaw, idly noting that maybe today he'd shave. Or not. Fuck it, who did he have to impress? No friends, no girlfriend….

The incessant knocking broke him from his thoughts. Goddamn Lucas and his hero complex, always having to check on him. Nathan slowly stood, taking a moment to gather himself so he didn't fall flat on his face. He stepped around the debris on the flutter, cursing under his breath when he stubbed his toe on a leg of the coffee table.

"Alright, Lucas. I'm coming!" He yelled as he approached the door. "Goddamnit, do you have to come by so early?"

"And good morning to you too, sunshine," his older brother greeted when Nathan opened the door. "Aren't you Little Miss Pleasant this morning?"

"Fuck off," Nathan snarled as he turned and stalked back to the couch before dropping onto it. "I don't need your shit, Luke."

"You always say such sweet things to me, Nate," Lucas said as he sat next to his brother on the couch. He glanced around the room, disappointment evident on his face as he took in the signs of just how far Nathan had fallen in the last several months. Gone was the charismatic, dynamic basketball player who lived the high life, indulging in all that fame and money had to offer. In his place sat an emotionally broken man, who wasted each day mourning the life that was.

Nathan frowned when he noticed Lucas looking around the room. The last thing he needed was another one of his brother's "talks." It was the same routine every couple of days: Lucas would come by on the pretense of bringing Nathan groceries, or with an invitation to join him for dinner or some other bullshit. He would look around the room, at the obvious failure of Nathan's life, and then lecture Nathan about how he was wasting his life, he needed to get back to physical therapy, he had to stop drinking, blah blah blah, other shit Nathan didn't care to hear. He loved his brother, he did, but he didn't need Luke to remind him of just how messed up his life was now. Nathan lived with that knowledge every day.

"What the fuck ever, Lucas. I'm not in the mood for one of your pick-me-up bullshit talks, alright?" Nathan muttered as he leaned his head back against the sofa cushion. Fuck, his head was _killing_ him right now.

Lucas rolled his eyes. "Wonder why? Isn't this getting old, Nathan?" He asked as he motioned to the room and its clutter. "The drinking all night, the random hookups—wait, there's not a girl here, is there?"

Nathan shook his head. "Nah. At least, not that I remember. Last night is a blur."

"This is exactly the crap I'm talking about, Nathan. Aren't you tired of it all? I mean, wasn't that the whole point of you coming back to Tree Hill? To get away from that in New York?"

"No, Luke," Nathan bit out, anger in his voice. "That was _your_ point. You didn't leave me much choice. It sure as hell wasn't my idea to come back to this place. Believe me, I never imagined I'd be back in Tree Hill."

After the accident, after his girlfriend left him ("You are pathetic, Nathan" were the last words she said to him as she slammed the door behind her), after his friends deserted him ("Nate man, we're just so busy" or "We didn't think you'd want to get out" were the most common excuses for not calling), after his agent dropped him ("I have to focus on clients who are actually playing" and then a dial tone), when Nathan was holed up in his apartment, he was perfectly fine being the drunk loner who needed no one. Then Lucas appeared on his doorstep one day, bag in head and determination in mind. Over the next week, he tried to think of a way to help Nathan break the hold the alcohol and depression had on him as he watched his only brother spiral even more out of control. Nathan resisted any attempt of help—suggestions of AA were ignored ("I'm not a fucking alcoholic, Luke"), pleas to open up and talk were ridiculed ("What kind of girl do you think I am?"), and offers of moving back to Tree Hill were laughed at ("Back to Tree Hill? Who's the drunk one here?").

But desperate times called for desperate measures. Lucas took advantage of a hammered Nathan one night and somehow got his brother to agree to return to their hometown. Within a day, and using Nathan's financial resources, he broke Nathan's lease on the apartment, packed the necessities for the move with plans to have everything else shipped down at a later date, and secured plane tickets for the ride home. Nathan wasn't fully aware of what was going on until he was back in Tree Hill, in the house his mother bought when she divorced Dan years ago. Until he awoke that first morning in Tree Hill, Nathan was sure it was all some crazy drunken dream he had after passing out one night.

But no, it was real and he had been in Tree Hill for a little over two months. And he was still angry with Lucas for bringing him back, although he had to admit some of that anger was fading. Not that being in Tree Hill would ever be his first choice, fuck no, but deep down, Nathan knew his brother was only trying to help the best way he knew how. Nathan realized from a very young age that this town had always meant more to his brother. It was Luke's safe place, his haven, something Nathan could never understand. For him, it was just the town where he grew up, nothing more, and nothing less. He knew Lucas hoped being in Tree Hill would heal Nathan, would somehow give him the desire to turn his life around; that some way, somehow, Tree Hill would save him.

Like everything else in his life, Nathan didn't hold out much hope. Nothing in this small town could save him.


	3. Days Pass

**Author's Notes:** I apologize for the wait between last chapter and this one. My goal is to post a chapter every other week, but I can't guarantee that will happen each time. I have the entire story plotted out so it's really a matter of finding the time/energy to write. Right now, the story is set for approximately 18 chapters but that is not set in stone. This chapter again focuses on Haley and her struggle. I appreciate all of the great feedback I've had. Your words are very encouraging to the writing process.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Will never be mine.

* * *

"Tutor Girl!"

The cheerful (and loud) voice of her best friend woke Haley from a deep sleep. She wearily blinked her eyes open, her mind still clouded from the alcohol she consumed the previous night. Glancing at her bedside table, the bright red numbers of the clock flashed ten o'clock. For a brief moment, she thought of what she would be doing at this time six weeks ago. The loud bustle in the halls as the bell rang, the chatter of students as they made their way into the classroom, the scratch of the chalk as she wrote the day's lesson plan on the chalkboard…

But that was no longer how she spent her days. Instead, her days were spent sleeping until she roused herself from what most times was a drunken slumber, and then forcing herself to sober up with the help of a cold shower and whatever food she had on hand in the kitchen. The rest of the day was wasted getting lost in thoughts of the "if onlys" and "what might have beens." When those became too much, when the pain and hurt and anger and betrayal threatened to sweep her under, she went to the bar to drink so she could forget all that had happened in the last six months.

As Haley listened to the sound of her best friend moving around in her small kitchen, it reminded her of how her mom would get up early on Saturday mornings and make breakfast for the entire family, the enticing aromas drawing everyone into the kitchen and around the large oak table that dominated the space. The memory brought a small smile to her lips and for a moment, Haley allowed herself to indulge in the unexpected warmth , rather than pain, the memory brought. The James clan spent hours around that table, laughing and eating and loving. Some of Haley's best childhood memories of her family occurred at that table – her brothers good-naturedly teasing her older sisters as they prepared for dates, her mom and dad telling stories of their courtship over dinner, her chats with her mom after school as they sat around the old table, Haley telling Lydia of latest crushes or newest academic achievements.

But that table was gone now, finally sold when her parents were forced to sell their house and move into a smaller home. Sometimes Haley felt as if the splitting of the family started when the kitchen table was sold. When her parents wanted to move, Haley desperately wanted to keep the table for herself but she was fresh out of college and barely had two nickels to rub together, much less a place large enough to keep it. None of her siblings wanted the table, a fact that hurt Haley in a way she never imagined. It was as if her brothers and sisters were turning their backs on what made them a family, or so Haley thought. On the rare occasions that Haley allowed herself to reflect on the last several months, she knew that the seeds for her division from the family originated with the sale of that old, scarred table. Death only speeded up that process.

Shaking herself from the painful reminiscence, Haley rose from the bed, ignoring the slight pounding in her head as she made her way into the attached bathroom. Although she was still slightly fuzzy from the alcohol the previous night, she could tell that the effect was quickly wearing off. Apparently it had been more of a "drink until tipsy" night than a "drink until blackout drunk" night.

Haley splashed cold water on her face and stared at her reflection in the mirror. "What are you doing to yourself?" she wondered aloud as she studied the dark shadows under her eyes and gaunt features. This was not the face of Haley James, teacher at Tree Hill High School, fresh-faced and innocent, happy and content with her life. No, this was the face of Haley James, haggard and worn, her heart and spirit broken and scarred by tragedy.

Is this really how she wanted to live? Getting drunk, hiding away from her family and friends, wasting away in a sea of loneliness and despair? What would _she_ say if-

Further introspection was interrupted by Brooke barging into the bedroom, carrying a tray with a bowl of cereal and a mug of hot coffee on it. Haley rolled her eyes at her best friend's lack of concern of whether she was still sleeping or not and grabbed her toothbrush.

"Rise and shine, sleepyhead," Brooke sang out as she walked into the room. "Hales, time to—oh, you're already up! About time," she said as moved over to place the serving tray on Haley's desk. "I made breakfast for you."

"Brooke," Haley groaned after she finished brushing her teeth. "Pouring cereal into a bowl is not 'making breakfast.'"

"If it involves me in the kitchen, then I count it. So there!"

"Alright, Brookie. Whatever you say," Haley placated as she left the bathroom. Grabbing the cup of coffee, she carefully settled on her bed as Brooke sat in a nearby chair. Bringing the cup to her mouth, she took a moment to savor the heavenly aroma before sipping the hot liquid. "What?" she asked as she felt Brooke's gaze on her. "Is my bedhead that bad this morning?"

Brooke grinned at the slight joke and shook her head. "Nothing, you just seem… not hung over this morning. It's different, that's all."

"Well, I guess after months of practice, I'm finally getting the hang of this drinking thing," Haley cracked, mouthing a quick "_sorry_" when Brooke winced. "Lame joke, I know."

Brooke nodded. "Got that straight, Tutor Girl." She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as if to psych herself up, and Haley felt a sense of dread wash over her. "Aren't you tired of living like this?"

Haley played dumb, not wanting to talk about it, but her heart raced at the inevitable confrontation. "Like what?"

"Like this!" Brooke exclaimed as she waved her hands around Haley's unkempt bedroom. "You're either drunk or hung over most of the time, you hardly eat anymore, you don't take care of yourself. You spend all your damn time at the bar. Hell, Haley, you were fired from your job and you don't seem to care!"

"I care," she stated softly. "I just—"

"Like hell you do! You're not drowning your sorrows in alcohol because you care too much, no matter what you tell yourself. You're running away, that's all you've been doing for the last six months. Since Chris, since your—"

"Brooke, I really don't want to do this now," Haley said softly, refusing to meet her best friend's eyes.

"When do you want to do this then? Every time I try to talk to you about what happened, you shut me down. I've tried, Haley, for the last six months I've tried to talk to you, to get you to talk to me about everything, and you just… don't. You shut me out, you run off to the bars to drink, you change the subject, you do everything _but_ talk to me. I'm your best friend! Why can't you just talk to me?" Brooke cried, her face a mask of confusion.

During Brooke's speech, Haley had placed her mug on the bedside table and brought her knees to her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs. Rocking back and forth slightly, she shook her head as Brooke continued to implore Haley to just talk to her. Why couldn't Brooke understand she just couldn't? Putting it in words, actually talking about everything that had happened with Chris and her family, just made it real. If she didn't talk about it, she could almost fool herself into thinking it was all a horrible dream.

The alcohol enabled that bit of foolishness, so Haley clung to the one thing that made it all better, at least for awhile. When she drank, she didn't hear their voices. She didn't think about how her life might have been different if she had just answered that phone call. She didn't wonder what he was doing now, or if he ever thought of her anymore. When she drank, she didn't hurt with every fiber of her being.

With the alcohol, Haley didn't have to deal with anything, and now Brooke was asking her to do exactly that? No way she could handle this conversation right now, not sober.

"Just tell me why," Brooke pled at the end of her speech. "Make me understand."

"I can't, Brooke," Haley exploded, her voice loud in the small bedroom. "I can't, okay! If I do, then it all becomes real."

"But Haley, if you ta—"

"No, Brooke! Can't you understand that I can't handle that right now? Do I _look_ like someone who could handle that?"

"I—"

"Brooke, I don't want to talk about this. Moreover, I'm _not_ going to talk about this," Haley said, the fire in her eyes echoing the note of finality in her voice.

Her friend looked at her for a long moment before nodding in resignation. "I can't make you talk. But Haley, I really think you would feel better if—"

"Brooke," Haley warned.

Throwing up her hands in surrender, Brooke forced a smile. "Okay, okay. My cupa."

"What did you say?" Haley laughed. "My cupa?"

"What? You know, it's Latin or French or one of those languages for my bad. Like, oh I messed up. My cupa. Luke told me about it," Brooke said.

"I think you mean _mea culpa_. And who is Luke? I don't think you've mentioned him before."

At the hurt look on Brooke's face, Haley realized her friend must have told her about Luke but she had been too drunk at the time to remember. Just another checkmark under the "Reasons why Haley is a shitty person" column.

"Let me guess, I was drinking when you told me about him?"

"Good guess, Tutor Girl."

"I'm sorry, Tigger, I really am," Haley apologized as she reached over to squeeze her friend's hand. "I know I haven't been a good friend these last several months. I haven't been good at a lot of things lately."

Brooke returned the sign of affection and nodded.

"But I promise to try to be better, alright? Now tell me again about this Lucas guy…"

* * *

"Back again, Haley?"

She ignored the hint of judgment in Chase's voice as she sat down, idly noting the dark-haired man one stool down from her. Tric usually wasn't busy during the afternoon. In fact, Haley was often the only patron. After all, what else did she have to do with her time? Certainly not a job…

"The usual, Chase," she said, not wanting to deal with another one of Chase's lectures; not after the one she had received from Brooke earlier that morning.

Although Brooke seemed to be okay after she left Haley's house around lunch, Haley knew her friend was still angry about her refusal to talk. Their goodbye had been a little strained, with Brooke lightly questioning if Haley would be seeing Chase that afternoon and Haley snapping off a reply. Brooke apologized before leaving but the tension was evident. It all became too much to deal with and soon Haley found herself at Tric.

As Chase fixed her drink, Haley felt the weight of his stare pressing on her. She had first met Chase when Brooke brought her to Tric one night shortly after Haley had moved to Tree Hill. Chase and Haley instantly connected, and as Chase and Brooke had been friends since high school, the friendship between the three quickly grew. With Tric being the only non-skeezy bar in Tree Hill, Brooke and Haley became regulars, oftentimes merely sitting at the bar talking to Chase while he forced them to try his vile new concoctions. (His infamous Brain Blaster still gave the two girls nightmares.) The trio regularly met for dinner before Chase's shifts at the bar, and soon he grew to be the brother Brooke never had and Haley desperately missed. They celebrated each other's accomplishments, like when Chase was promoted from bartender to bar manager (a title he never failed to point out) or Brooke's website for her clothing line launched to great success, or were each other's shoulders to cry on when life got tough, like when Brooke's mother breezed back into town, intent on taking over her daughter's popular clothing line.

That is, until six months ago, when Haley began to burn every bridge in her life with uncaring abandon.

"Another fight with Brooke?" Chase questioned as he did what he said were "bar manager" duties but Haley and Brooke swore just made him a bartender. Examining the glass he was cleaning with a careful eye, he leaned against the island behind him.

"What does it matter to you? You're just the bartender."

"Bar _manager_," he retorted quickly, but their old joke fell flat as the meaning behind Haley's jab sank in.

For the last six months, Haley treated Chase simply as the means to an end – he was the source of her needed alcohol, nothing more. Two years of friendship and loyalty, gone in a blur of whiskey and vodka. Instead, she treated him as merely a bartender, a relative stranger whose sole purpose was to make her drinks. He kept trying, though. Trying to break through the walls Haley had built during the last several months, to remind her of their friendship, and of the person she really was, not the shell she had become.

Haley wasn't having it, however. That required feeling, and her only goal these last months was to prevent any and all feelings. It's why she wouldn't open up to Brooke, and treated Chase as if he was no more than a stranger. All to keep from feeling.

If she didn't feel, she didn't hurt.

If she didn't hurt, she didn't think of _them_.

"Hales," Chase started quietly, not wanting to draw the attention of the man a few feet away. "You know Brooke only says that stuff—"

"I don't want to hear it, Chase," Haley interrupted, bringing the glass to her lips. Taking a swallow, she relished the sharp bite of the liquor before speaking again. "I came here to drink, not listen to unwanted advice about how badly I've fucked up, how much I'm hurting Brooke or you or my family, how I can be better if I just try. I don't give a shit about that. All I care about right now is this glass." She finished her speech by taking another sip of the drink, studiously avoiding Chase's gaze.

He studied her for long moments, and Haley felt his stare burning holes into her. She still felt raw after her latest argument with Brooke and all the too long ignored emotions it stirred up, and she knew if Chase kept pushing, she would break. She couldn't allow that to happen; she couldn't allow her self to be vulnerable. Not again.

"Just leave me alone, Chase," she muttered, willing herself to ignore the flash of hurt that crossed his features. _Don't look at him_, she told herself. _Do not look at him. You can't give in, not now._

Chase sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, a sign that Haley knew she had pushed him to the edge. Again.

"Fine, Haley. I'm about at my breaking point, and lord knows Brooke is too, so if you keep this up, this 'poor pitiful me' shit, you really will be alone one day."

With the familiar resigned slump to his shoulders that signaled an encounter with Haley, Chase stomped off to the stock room.

Unexpected tears came to her eyes at her friend's words. Blinking furiously to prevent the traitorous tears from falling, she kept her gaze on the counter, steadfastly ignoring the voice in her head that was screaming that Chase was right, that she needed to stop this behavior before she drove away the only two people left that cared about her. A few more drinks would drown out that voice. Only a few more drinks and she would be mindlessly numb and everything would fall back into place.

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**Aaaaaand there is chapter three. Depressing, I'm sure, but it will get better. Eventually, haha. Next chapter we'll see Nathan again and dun dun dun... Haley and Nathan interact. **

**Any feedback is most appreciated!  
**


	4. I Reach Out From the Inside

**Author's Notes:** Good gosh, I can't believe it's been over a month since I updated. My apologies, and although I hope that I'll be able to post a new chapter every other week or so, I can't promise. I appreciate all the feedback I've received, it means the world. I hope you enjoy this chapter. It's from Nathan's POV but we finally have some Naley interaction. The next chapter will be all Naley.

Thanks again for the feedback!

* * *

Nathan eyed the woman sitting a few feet down from him at the bar. She was attractive, a petite thing with wavy dark hair that skimmed her shoulders, and a tight body according to the clothes she wore. He noticed her when she first walked in—how could he not, when she was the only person in there other than the bartender Chad. Or was it Chet? It was some stupid sounding name, he knew.

The woman—Haley, Chuck called her—was muttering to herself, quietly enough that Nathan couldn't hear what she was saying. That was all well and good because Nathan had no desire to talk to anyone. He came here to drink, not to talk, and anyone who approached him quickly learned that he wasn't looking for conversation. He knew why he was here in the middle of the afternoon—he was a fucked up excuse for a person—and he figured anyone else who was here was just like him, and he certainly wasn't in the mood to deal with someone just as screwed up as him.

Putting the woman out of his mind, he focused on the glass in front of him. The amber liquid was his only comfort now; it was the only thing he cared about. Attempting to forget the fight with Lucas that led Nathan to the bar, he raised the glass and took a long swallow, ignoring the burn of the alcohol down his throat. He finished the drink and looked up to signal the bartender—Chance? Charles? Whatever the fuck his name was—only to find him gone.

"Damnit," he muttered as he glanced around. "Where the hell did he go?"

"Probably in the stock room."

Nathan glanced at the woman sitting a bar stool away. "Yeah? Well, doesn't he realize his job is to serve drinks? And I need a drink," he said as he shook his empty glass, the ice tinkling lightly.

The woman shrugged. "Technically, he's the bar manager so his job involves more than just making drinks."

Nathan stared at her. What the fuck did he care? He just wanted a goddamn drink. "I take it he's a friend of yours?"

Shrugging again, the woman sipped her drink. "I guess. Or no, I don't know anymore. Anyway, Chase keeps several bottles just under the counter. You can reach over and grab one." She looked at Nathan and nodded towards the bar. "Seriously, just grab one. It'll be fine, don't worry. Besides, I'm going to need a refill soon anyway."

Pausing, unsure if he should proceed, Nathan checked around the bar. It was just he and the woman, Chase—Nathan knew it was a stupid name—still gone. He needed a drink but was wary. He didn't usually care what others thought of him, but was he really that desperate for a drink that he would just bypass all forms of normal behavior? Wouldn't this just signal how far gone he was?

"Oh, for pete's sake, all you have to do is this," the woman snapped as she reached over the bar and grabbed a bottle. "See? Not so hard."

She poured herself a drink—a healthy one, Nathan noticed—before sliding the bottle to him. Nathan grabbed it and stared at the bottle. Lucas's words from earlier that afternoon echoed in his head.

_Don't you want to be better than this?_

_Is this really how you want to spend your life? Drunk and alone?_

_You're pathetic, Nate. _

"Ah, fuck it," Nathan mumbled as he tipped the bottle and filled his glass. Nodding at the woman, he raised his glass. "Here's to assholes who think they have all the answers."

The woman raised an eyebrow. "Friend?"

"Brother," Nathan grunted. "He's the reason I'm here."

"Bad fight?"

"You could say that."

* * *

"_Is this how I can expect to find you from now on? Passed out after another night of drinking?"_

_The loud, angry voice of his brother startled Nathan awake. He yawned, his lips dry and chapped. His tongue felt fuzzy and his mouth was uncomfortably dry. Ignoring his brother's glare, Nathan reached towards the coffee table for something to drink. He grabbed the first bottle he touché and brought it to his lips, only to find it empty. Cursing under his breath, he grabbed another bottle and was disappointed yet again to find it empty._

"_They're all empty, jackass," Lucas said as Nathan slowly sat up to lean back against the couch. "Probably why you passed out, huh?"_

_The derision in his brother's tone caught Nathan's attention. He was hung over, hungry, and not in the mood to deal with another of Lucas's lectures. "What the fuck ever, Luke," he said as he rubbed his bleary eyes. "So I drank a little too much last night. Big fuckin' deal."_

_Nathan heard Lucas sigh and felt his brother's gaze on him but refused to acknowledge it. When it became too much, when the weight of Lucas's gaze threatened to suffocate him, Nathan barked, "What?"_

_Lucas shook his head, his expression one of disappointment. Waving his hand around the messy room, he said, "Is this how it's going to be, Nate?" Walking over to the curtains, Lucas pulled them open, Nathan wincing as the bright sunlight flooded the previously darkened room. "Is this," Lucas questioned as gestured toward Nathan and the room, "really how you want to spend your life? Drunk and alone?" _

_Blinking rapidly as his eyes adjusted to the now brightly lit room, Nathan tried to ignore the pounding in his head. His head felt as if a herd of elephants were marching in his skull, and it took every ounce of his self-control not to close his eyes and go back to sleep. His gaze drifted from his older brother, eyes blazing with a mixture of anger and disappointment, to the room around him. Empty beer bottles littered the coffee table and the surrounding floor. Discarded takeout containers were scattered amongst the dirty clothes that overtook the small living room. An overhead fan slowly rotated, its movement not enough to disturb the still air. The smell of trash and unwashed laundry hung heavy in the air._

_It was a messy, disheveled room, echoed by the man sitting on the couch. Unkempt hair framed bloodshot eyes and a scraggly beard. His face was wan and haggard, his mouth set in a grim line. A ragged t-shirt and a pair of loose gym shorts hung on his well-built frame; an angry, red scar stood out against the pale skin of his right knee. _

"_I didn't ask you to check on me, Luke."_

"_I know, little brother. But if I didn't, who would?"_

_Nathan snorted. Since he had moved back to Tree Hill, he made it a point to avoid interaction with all but a handful of people: his brother, an occasional woman he met at a bar and brought home, and whatever delivery person brought his food. And sometimes he wished he could avoid Luke. He loved his brother but the lectures and recriminations got old fast. If he had to hear one more "If you would just stop drinking…," he was going to scream. _

"_Ever think maybe I _don't_ need someone to check on me like a child?" Nathan muttered as he forced himself to stand, taking a deep breath when his stomach roiled at the movement. _

_Rolling his eyes, Lucas followed Nathan as he walked into the kitchen. "Well maybe if you grew up and started dealing with your problems rather than drink them away, I wouldn't have to."_

_Nathan had grabbed a glass from the cabinet but at his brother's words, he slammed the glass on the counter. "Goddamnit, Luke. Can you give me five minutes before you start in on me? Jesus. I just woke up."_

"_Exactly, Nathan. It's 11:30 in the morning and you're just now waking up after passing out. Again. How many times has it been this week? Three? Four?"_

_Shrugging, Nathan walked past his brother back into the living room. Throwing himself back on the couch, he reached for the remote to turn on the television. Intent on ignoring Lucas and yet another lecture, he began flipping channels. _

_Lucas sat beside him on the couch and the brothers sat in silence for long minutes. Nathan knew that Lucas wanted to say something, he knew his brother had yet more disapproval to voice, but Nathan wasn't going to make the first move. _

_Twenty long, silent minutes before Lucas cracked. "Don't you want to be better than this? More than just an empty shell? A guy who is angry or drunk all the time?" _

_Nathan sighed and dropped his head to rest on the back of the couch. He closed his eyes and thought of what had once been his life. Fame, money, women, he had it all. And now, because of some stupid decisions, he was reduced to nothing more than a washed-up drunk. Oh, how the mighty have fallen…. _

"_I don't know, Luke," he said. "But you chewing my ass out all the time doesn't help."_

"_Nathan, it's been over four months. You _have_ to move on, or at least try," Lucas counseled. "I know that it's been hard—"_

_At those words, at his brother's condescending "advice," Nathan snapped. "No, Luke. You _don't_ know. You don't know what it's like to lose everything! I was in the NBA, for fuck's sake, and now I'm not," Nathan said, his voice laced with self-loathing. "And I know it's my fault, it's all my fault, but that doesn't make it any easier."_

"_Nate—"_

"_And you don't think I beat myself up every day? That I don't sit here and think, if only I had done this. Or hadn't done that? Christ, Luke, that's all I do every day. Why do you think I fucking drink so much?"_

"_Nathan—"_

_Nathan continued his tirade. "How on earth could you possibly know how I feel? What have you ever lost in your life?"_

"_Hey, wait a second, Nathan," Lucas interrupted. "You don't have to lash out at me—"_

"_But you can come in here and criticize me? Fuck that, Luke," Nathan snapped, his patience fraying._

_He could see Lucas was trying to remain calm, and that only served to piss off Nathan even more. Fuck Luke and his high horse. Nathan didn't need any of his condescending "you have to help yourself" bullshit. _

"_Nate, you know the doctor said that if—"_

"_I know what the doctor said, Luke. I know what they all said."_

"_Then why are you being such a stubborn jackass about this? You say it's over but honestly, Nathan, I think you're just using that as an excuse so you don't have to try again and possibly fail," Lucas said. "Because heaven forbid the great Nathan Scott actually have to work at something."_

"_Fuck off, Luke. I didn't ask you to come over so why are you here?" Nathan bit out, angry as the truth of Lucas's words began to register. It was a truth he wasn't yet ready to accept. _

_Lucas shrugged. "Hell if I know. Your charming personality, I guess," he said sarcastically. "I don't even know why I try with you anymore, at this point."_

"_Then don't. Just… don't. I didn't ask you to do this."_

"_Nate, I'm just trying to—"_

"_So help me, Lucas, if you say you're only trying to help me, I will beat your scrawny ass," Nathan warned, his breaking point quickly approaching. "I don't need your help. Hell, who said I even _wanted_ it?" _

_At that, Lucas snapped. He stood up and faced his brother. "Fine, you want to sit here and pout like a child, I clearly can't stop you. You could be so much more than this but you refuse. So just sit and wallow. After all, it's what you do best, right?"_

_At that, Lucas turned and walked to the door. Before shutting the door, he got in one last shot at Nathan. "You're pathetic, Nate."_

_Nathan tried to ignore the pang of hurt that shot through his heart at his brother's words. For all the shit Nathan gave Lucas for checking on him (and he wasn't lying when he said it was annoying because Christ, Luke could be so damn irritating), he also knew that Luke was his last connection to the world and, more importantly, to the person he had been before. Before the NBA, before the fame and money and women. Lucas had been there for everything—from dealing with Dan's shit for as long as he could remember to high school and college to his first couple of years in the NBA as he struggled for playing time to the fame and glory and back again. He had been Nathan's rock since they were kids; a steadying calm in the midst of storms._

_If Luke gave up on him, he really wasn't worth saving. _

* * *

"I have one of those, too."

The woman's voice broke him from his thoughts. "Huh?" he asked, momentarily confused about what she was talking about.

"Reason to be here," she explained as she raised her glass. "Mine's not a sibling but a best friend. We had a fight earlier today about… well, about this, I guess, and I just had to get away, you know?"

"Uh yeah," Nathan agreed, not really paying attention so as not to encourage more conversation. He didn't come here to talk. To anyone.

Not taking the hint, the woman continued. "So was it a bad one?"

Nathan sighed and couldn't prevent rolling his eyes. Christ, did she not understand he wasn't in the mood for a goddamn conversation? He turned to tell her to mind her own business but the words died in his throat when he got his first full look at her.

He had seen her when she walked into the bar, noticing, with a passing glance, that she was attractive but not thinking anything beyond that. However, as he finally looked at her, he saw that she was more than attractive. She was beautiful. Wavy dark hair framed big brown eyes; eyes that instantly drew him to her. He could imagine losing himself in her gaze and then finding his place in the world all over again. It was a pair of eyes that seemed to hold all the answers to everything he had ever wanted or hoped to be.

_Holy shit, what is wrong with me?_ Nathan thought as he came back to himself. _That's some Lucas shit right there._

He shook his head and took a long swallow of alcohol to clear his mind. Nathan Scott didn't do beautiful. He didn't do soulful brown eyes that nearly took his breath away. He didn't do pouty lips that fairly screamed to be kissed.

Nathan did selfish. He did jackass and moody and dysfunctional. He most certainly did not do feelings. And yet, there was something in the woman's gaze, some indefinable quality that seemed to call to him, leaving him wanting to know more about her. It was as if through those brown eyes Nathan could find the peace he had been missing for so long. Which was a ridiculous notion—some romantic type bullshit that his brother was always writing about—because clearly, she was as screwed up as he was. After all, she was sitting in a nearly empty bar in the middle of the afternoon, drowning sorrows not yet spoken. What peace could he hope to find in a lonely, miserable alcoholic like himself?

And yet….

_No_, he told himself as he took another drink. _It's the alcohol talking, it's gotta be. _He sat the glass down and started at the amber colored liquid. _What have you done to me?_

"So, I guess you're not talking. I get that. I mean, look where we are. It's not like either one of us came here to talk. Or maybe you did, but you just don't want to talk to me, which I can underst—"

"No, no, it's not that," Nathan interrupted her rambling. _What? Yes, it is. It is _exactly_ like that_, his inner voice screamed but Nathan ignored it.

"Oh," the woman said, a small smile crossing her lips. A tiny smile that almost blew Nathan away.

What the fuck was wrong with him? Getting moony over a goddamn _smile_? Alcohol poisoning, it had to be alcohol poisoning. Right?

"I'm Haley," the woman offered, her hand extended.

Nathan shook her hand, feeling an unexpected rush as he touched her soft skin. Swooning over her smile? Shivering just from touching her hand? It was official: he was losing his fucking mind.

"Nathan," he said as he let go of her hand. "You, uh, come here often?"

Oh Christ, now he was resorting to cheesy pick up lines. For someone who was probably as screwed up as he was. The whole "drinking in the middle of the afternoon" was his first clue.

Haley's cheeks turned light pink as she nodded slowly. "Yeah. I, uhm, my friend Brooke and I are friends with Chase." At Nathan's quizzical expression she explained. "You know, the bartender here earlier?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well, I've known Chase since I moved to Tree Hill. When we moved here, Brooke and I were looking for a place where we could hang out and found Tric. There aren't too many places in Tree Hill like this, so Brooke and I found ourselves here more often than not. And we just started talking to Chase one day and clicked," Haley said before taking a sip of her drink. "You come here a lot?"

Nathan nodded, suddenly ashamed at how frequently he had been here in the past few months. What if she thought he was some pathetic drunk? He mentally kicked himself at the thought. First, because he _was_ a pathetic drunk and secondly, it's not like she would be in a place to judge.

"Uh yeah," he said. "My brother and I grew up in Tree Hill so we've been coming to Tric since it opened while we were in high school. My mom, uhm, well, my mom and Luke's mom used to own the bar and the café downstairs."

"That's cool. I bet the free alcohol came in handy during high school," Haley laughed and Nathan swore his heart skipped a beat at the sound.

"Nah," he grinned. "Karen would have killed us. Well, mainly Luke since he's her son, but she would have strangled me as well."

"Your mom wouldn't have cared?"

Nathan stared at his glass, debating whether to answer. That question hit a little too close to home. Deb had never been what one would call an attentive parent, but she had tried. Her personal demons were simply stronger than her desire to be a stable, loving influence in his life. But that certainly wasn't anything he was going to share with a stranger, no matter how attractive he found her or how unlike himself she made him feel.

However, the next thing he knew, the words were spilling out of him. "No, not by a long shot. My mom wasn't what you could call the best parent around. She… she drank a lot but her main thing was pills. And even before that, she was out of town for work nearly all the time. It was always something else with her that was more important than me. So no, my mom wouldn't have cared because she more than likely wasn't here or too drugged out to notice."

He cursed himself as he thought about what he had done: he was vulnerable with someone, a relative stranger. He tried so hard these last four months, hell, the last several years, to ignore these feelings, to lock them away. And yet, here he was, confessing long held secrets to a woman he just met. Of the people in his life, only Luke really knew what a number Deb had pulled on Nathan, and even with his brother, there were some things Nathan just couldn't tell him.

"I'm sorry, Nathan," Haley said softly, her voice brimming with a warmth Nathan hadn't heard from anyone in so long. The words were simple, but he somehow knew they were genuine and heartfelt, and he could feel them chipping away at his defenses.

Oh god, he was in trouble. He just knew it.

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed the chapter. More Naley to come in the next chapter. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!**


	5. All My Instincts, They Return

**Disclaimer**: **Not mine. **

**Author's Note: Thank you SO MUCH for all of the feedback, follows, favorites, etc.! It means the world to me that you are (hopefully) enjoying the story, even if it is a bit depressing right now. This chapter is all Nathan and Haley and continues from the previous chapter, only the first part is from Haley's POV of their initial conversation. I'm glad some of you are enjoying this dark portrayal of Haley. It's definitely more difficult to write for me but I think it's a characterization we don't see often, for whatever reason. Dark!Depressing!Nathan is much easier for me to write because he's my One True Character from OTH, but I am enjoying the challenge of exploring a darker Haley. They won't be so doom-and-gloom forever, but before the lighter stuff, we have the pain and angst to deal with. Enough rambling. I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

* * *

"Fine, walk away. See if I care," Haley muttered to herself as Chase headed to the stockroom. "I didn't ask for your opinion anyway."

She played with the glass sitting on top of the bar, circling the rim with her finger. Staring at the clear liquid, Haley idly wondered what Brooke was doing right now. If she was still upset with Haley…

_Of course she is,_ the voice inside her head taunted. _You've done nothing but hurt her for the last six months. I'm surprised she hasn't completely abandoned you. Like Chris did, like your mom._

"Shut up," Haley mumbled, unaware she was speaking aloud. She took another sip of her drink, hoping to drown out that voice. That was her only goal: to silence the voice; the voice that whispered the truth to her all the time. The truth no one else would dare admit: that Haley wasn't worth loving, that it was her fault that Chris betrayed her, that if it hadn't been for Haley, her mom wouldn't have left…

_You know it's true. _You_ are the reason everyone has left you. It's only a matter of time before Chase and Brooke leave you too_.

Haley took a large swallow of her drink, the icy bite at once soothing and painful. Over the last six months, it had become a familiar sensation. She had never been the wild child—as the youngest of seven kids, one of whom was the infamous Taylor James, there wasn't much Haley could do that would have shocked her parents. In high school, she was rather straitlaced and boring, a fact that led to relentless teasing from Taylor. After meeting Brooke in college, Haley loosened up and soon learned to enjoy the occasional party or two. Even then, though, she wasn't a big drinker. She didn't like the out of control feeling alcohol gave her. Being a Type A personality, Haley liked being in control. She also never understood the need people had to use alcohol as an escape from their own pain.

Until six months ago, and then Haley understood with perfect clarity how alcohol could make even the worst pain disappear.

The voice inside her head was slowly fading with each sip, and Haley smiled once it completely disappeared. She knew it would be back (it always came back), but in the meantime, she would do everything she could to keep it away as long as possible.

A voice a few bar stools down interrupted her musings.

"Probably in the stock room," she said in response to the man's question about where Chase disappeared.

As they continued their idle chitchat about Chase, Haley continued to sip her drink. When the man hesitated over getting another drink while Chase was gone, Haley rolled her eyes and reached over the bar to grab one of the several bottles he kept under the counter.

"See? Not so hard," Haley said as she poured herself another drink before sliding the bottle down to the only other person in the bar.

After he poured another drink, he raised his glass in a mock toast. "Here's to assholes who think they have all the answers."

Intrigued, Haley raised her glass before taking a healthy swallow. Looked like she wasn't the only screwed up one drowning their sorrows. After all, drinking alone in a bar in the middle of the afternoon wasn't usually an indicator of normalcy.

"Friend?" she questioned.

"Brother. He's the reason I'm here," the man replied.

"Bad fight?"

"You could say that," he said before swallowing nearly half of his drink.

Haley nodded in understanding. Her fight with Brooke earlier this morning was fresh in her mind, the hurt expression on her best friend's face as Haley refused to talk to her yet again haunting her.

_She's getting tired of you, Haley. Tired of your whiny, mopey bullshit. Soon she's just going to stop asking and then where will you be? _

The voice was back and Haley quickly brought the glass to her lips. Wincing slightly as the alcohol burned her throat, she quickly took another sip in an attempt to ignore the voice inside her head. Deciding to try another tactic, she tried to engage her drinking companion in conversation.

"I have one of those, too," Haley said.

"Huh?" the man asked, clearly not paying attention.

Haley was undeterred. "Reason to be here," she explained as she raised her glass. "Mine's not a sibling but a best friend. We had a fight earlier today about… well, about this, I guess, and I just had to get away, you know?"

"Uh yeah."

The man was not the best conversationalist but Haley didn't care. She certainly wasn't going to talk about her issues, but that didn't mean she couldn't talk about someone else's, right? Haley continued her questioning.

"So was it a bad one?"

The man turned to her—probably to tell her to shut up, Haley thought to herself—but didn't say anything, just stared at her. As Haley got her first full look at the man sitting one bar stool away, every thought flew from her head except one.

Sitting next to her, in a bar in the middle of the afternoon, was the most handsome man she had ever seen. Full dark hair that her hands nearly itched to run through, pouty lips that begged to be kissed, and his eyes… His eyes were crystal blue and drew her like a moth to a flame. She had never really believed that eyes were "windows to the soul" but as she gazed into his eyes, that phrase suddenly became very real and true. Haley did not know anything about the man in front of her, hell, she didn't even know his name. Yet, looking into his eyes, she felt as she could see everything he ever wanted or hoped to be and, even more surprising, she felt as if he _knew _her. For the last six months, she had been lost and hurting, adrift in her own pain. For the first time since everything happened, she believed that someone could understand her, could even help her heal. She felt something shift inside her, a peace come over as she wondered if maybe everything she had been looking for could be found in those bright blue eyes.

It was a terrifying thought.

She had purposefully suppressed any type of emotion over the last six months with the help of her old friends, vodka and whiskey. At the first sight of any real feelings, she turned to her trusted companion that offered no judgment, only oblivion. Alcohol helped her forget, for a little while at least, that her life wasn't a complete fucking train wreck. It was the only true thing she had left in her life.

And yet, staring at the man in front of her, eyes locked on his, she felt that perhaps there was something more out there for her. Something that could save her from the nightmare her life had spiraled into.

Or someone.

Shaking her head, Haley wondered where that thought had come from. She chalked the recent flight of fancy up to the alcohol. She knew she had fallen too far to ever be saved. Thinking anything else was just wishful thinking, a dream the old Haley would have indulged. It had to be the alcohol talking, right?

Any other explanation was just too much to hope for, something the new Haley wouldn't allow herself to do.

Falling into old habits, Haley decided to ignore….whatever it was going on with her. Instead, she figured that if the man wasn't going to talk, she'd fill in the silence.

"So, I guess you're not talking. I get that. I mean, look where we are. It's not like either one of us came here to talk. Or maybe you did, but you just don't want to talk to me, which I can underst—" She rambled before he interrupted.

"No, no, it's not that," he said.

"Oh," Haley replied, a small smile crossing her lips. Maybe she would get him talking after all. "I'm Haley," she continued, her hand extended.

When the man took her hand, Haley felt an unexpected rush, like a charge of electricity dancing across her skin as he touched her. She had never felt anything like it before, but her mind shied from any further examination.

"Nathan," he said as he let go of her hand. "You, uh, come here often?"

Haley's cheeks turned light pink as she nodded slowly. Was he hitting on her? No, that couldn't be it. No way could this gorgeous stranger be interested in her. He was probably just looking for a drinking buddy. After all, they were both pathetic drunks, evidenced by the fact they were both drinking alone in the middle of the day.

"Yeah. I, uhm, my friend Brooke and I are friends with Chase." At Nathan's quizzical expression she clarified. "You know, the bartender here earlier?"

"Oh yeah."

"Well, I've known Chase since I moved to Tree Hill. When we moved here, Brooke and I were looking for a place where we could hang out and found Tric. There aren't too many places in Tree Hill like this, so Brooke and I found ourselves here more often than not. And we just started talking to Chase one day and clicked," Haley said before taking a sip of her drink. "You come here a lot?"

Nathan nodded. "Uh yeah," he said. "My brother and I grew up in Tree Hill so we've been coming to Tric since it opened while we were in high school. My mom, uhm, well, my mom and Luke's mom used to own the bar and the café downstairs."

"That's cool. I bet the free alcohol came in handy during high school," Haley laughed.

"Nah," he grinned and Haley swore her heart skipped a beat at the sight. Yep, the vodka was clearly screwing with her now. "Karen would have killed us. Well, mainly Luke since he's her son, but she would have strangled me as well," Nathan continued as shook his head in amusement.

"Your mom wouldn't have cared?"

At Nathan's pause Haley wondered if she had stuck her nose where it didn't belong. Inquisitive (or "nosy" as her siblings deemed it) by nature, she was constantly asking one question too many. "Terminal foot in mouth disease," her mom used to joke.

Haley took another sip as she willed herself to ignore the throb of pain in her heart at the thought of her mom. Before she could apologize for the question, Nathan began talking about his mom and her frequent absences during his childhood. Haley felt an even sharper ache in her heart as she listened to this stranger open about a clearly painful topic. It was evident in Nathan's tone and slumped body language just how much his mother's behavior affected him growing up. For the first time in months, her own pain was completely forgotten as she watched in the man before her lay himself open to a complete stranger.

Not knowing what to say when he finished, Haley said the only thing she could. "I'm sorry, Nathan." Her voice was soft, yet the words rang with an honest truth and sincerity. Her own turmoil faded away as she longed to comfort Nathan and ease his obvious hurt.

Without a second thought, she slid her hand along the counter to take his hand in hers, offering a gentle squeeze. What surprised her was not the action itself (she was sure it was the alcohol), but just how _right_ it felt to hold Nathan's hand. She looked at her small hand wrapped around his much larger one and couldn't stop a small smile at the sight. It just looked…perfect. Like how it should be. Raising her head, she caught the look of surprise on Nathan's face, but she also saw her own thought of how incredibly right this seemed reflected in his brilliant blue eyes.

She had a sudden urge to tell Nathan everything she had been feeling and dealing with the last six months. All the pain and heartache and betrayal and anger and hopelessness gone as she confessed her sins and found peace and forgiveness in the man before her.

It was all too much, too many feelings long suppressed rising to the surface, and Haley couldn't handle it. She let go of his hand and muttered a quick "I'm sorry" before reaching for her glass. _This_ was how she eased her pain, not in the eyes of a stranger, no matter how tempting he was. He would only hurt her, or leave her, like everyone else. Or worse, she would hurt him. Haley didn't even know Nathan but her heart clenched at the thought of causing him pain.

She couldn't allow herself to feel; she couldn't let someone close. Shutting her mind (and more importantly, her heart) to any thought beyond the drink in front of her, Haley watched as Nathan seemed to have an internal struggle. The last thing she needed was someone as screwed up as her. Even if it was someone who made her feel more alive than she had in months with just a simple touch, or a single glance into his eyes.

_You're a mess, Haley_. _What person would ever want to be with you? You drove Chris away, your mom left. Why would Nathan be any different?_

The voice was back. Haley sighed as she reached for the bottle to refill her glass. This was the only solace she needed.

* * *

He was in trouble. Oh god, was he in trouble. After telling Haley things about his mom he had never told anyone before, not even Lucas, he waited for judgment or a mumbled goodbye before she took her leave. Instead, he was surprised at her reaction. When Haley reached for his hand, her slender fingers curling around his clenched fist, he felt a sense of peace wash over him. Something he hadn't felt in months, if not years.

She obviously didn't feel the same, quickly releasing his hand and muttering an apology. His heart clenched at the loss of her touch. Shaking his head, he wondered if alcohol could go bad. That was the only explanation for his thoughts.

Right?

"So you had a fight with your friend?" he asked, as a way to focus on anything but his current thoughts. Maybe he could get her talking, those pouty, kissable lips moving as she-

Shit. He was in so much goddamn trouble.

"Yeah," Haley said, as Nathan forced himself to stare at the bridge of her nose so as not to be distracted by her beautiful eyes or full lips…

"What happened?"

Haley sighed, and in that simple action, Nathan imagined he could feel the weight of her pain. He felt a powerful urge to ease that pain, to make things easier for her.

She waved her hand to indicate the drink in front of her and then the bar. "This, I guess. My life isn't what you could call 'great' right now and Brooke worries about me. She pushes me to talk about what's wrong and gets mad when I don't want to."

Nathan nodded. "Luke is the same way. He bitches constantly but half the time, I don't pay any attention."

"She just doesn't understand that I don't _want_ to talk about it. It's easier if I don't."

"I know what you mean. Talking about it makes it more… real, I guess," he shrugged as he took another drink. Nathan glanced at Haley, who was nodding in agreement. God, she was beautiful.

"That's what I tell Brooke. It's just easier to not talk about it."

_It's easier to drink it away_, Nathan thought.

They fell into a long silence, but Nathan couldn't help but notice how comfortable it was. Usually when he was with a woman and there was silence, it was uncomfortable and weighty. With Haley, there was no heavy tension, rather an easiness that belied the fact that they had only just met.

"It hurts, you know? I don't like to think about them, much less talk about them." Haley interrupted the silence.

Nathan turned to face Haley, noting her hand was tightly gripping her glass. "And Brooke doesn't understand?"

Haley shrugged. "Not really. I don't know. She's never really lost someone before. I mean, sure, her parents are never around but they never were when she was growing up. Can't miss something you never had, right? So she's never dealt with the pain that comes when you lose someone you love."

Ahh, it was starting to become clear. She had lost someone who was obviously close to her. Nathan ignored the pang in his heart at the thought that it was a boyfriend or spouse.

"I'm sorry," he said and was surprised at how much he meant it.

Haley looked at him, and from the look on her face, he could tell that she was shocked at what she had revealed. He rushed to reassure her.

"I won't tell anyone. I know you probably didn't come here today looking for someone to talk to, but if you want…," he trailed off, unsure of how to continue.

"To talk?"

He nodded. "Sure. I mean, if you want?"

Haley was silent for awhile, and Nathan thought maybe that was his signal to leave. After all, he was just some drunk in a bar in the middle of the afternoon. What kind of comfort could he offer?

As he moved to slide to a few stools down to give her space, she suddenly spoke, her voice quiet and shaky. "O-okay."

Rather than move further away, he scooted closer, sliding into the stool next to her. "You sure?"

Haley nodded. "His name is Chris. He was my first real relationship. We were together two years, even talking about moving in together. I loved him, you know?"

Nathan grimaced at the confirmation she had been involved with someone. He wasn't normally one to get jealous, but the thought of Haley with someone else had him grinding his teeth. The ridiculousness of the notion that he was jealous of the past relationship of a woman he had just met and knew nothing about other than her name didn't faze him one bit. Since he got his first good look at Haley, his world had gone topsy-turvy.

He listened as she continued to talk about Chris and their relationship, his jealousy turning to anger when Haley began to explain that after awhile, Chris began to lose interest. What kind of asshole didn't realize the appeal of a woman like Haley? What jackass could lose interest in her?

"Brooke kept telling me to talk to Chris about it, to confront him, but I didn't listen. Looking back, I guess I knew the truth but didn't want to really believe it," she continued, her voice catching with emotion. "I couldn't ignore it anymore though, when I walked in on him and some girl in bed together."

Nathan shook his head angrily and couldn't prevent his next words. "Asshole! Hales, you don't deserve a jerk like that." The nickname felt natural, like something he had been calling her for years.

Shrugging, Haley took another sip. "You don't know me, Nathan. You don't know what I deserve." The words were spoken with a sad resignation.

The pain in her voice as she spoke nearly took his breath away. She seemed so sure, so definite that she deserved to be treated like shit by an asshole who clearly didn't respect her or their relationship. He wondered what else had happened to her to leave her so broken.

* * *

**Like I said, I'm not a huge fan of this chapter as it feels a bit clunky to me but I wanted to have Haley's POV for part of their first interaction. Next chapter will be more conversation at the bar, more personal revelations from Nathan and Haley, and possibly some interaction with Brooke and Lucas. Hope you enjoyed the chapter. Any feedback is greatly appreciated!**


	6. When I Want to Run Away

**Author's Notes: Oh my gosh, I cannot begin to say how sorry I am for the terribly long delay for this chapter. I have no excuse, not really, other than to say that college football started a few weeks ago and in the fall, football is pretty much my life. I hope you enjoy this chapter-it's wordy (maybe too much so) as I tried to explore a bit more of the characters' inner thoughts and feelings. **

**Thank you again for the wonderful reviews, the follows and favorites. I really do appreciate it all! I'm working on the next chapter as we speak (err, type?) so hopefully the wait won't be anything like this past time!**

**On to the chapter...**

* * *

Hours passed as Nathan and Haley sat at the bar, their drinks ignored as they continued to talk. The ice had melted long ago, turning their once potent drinks into a watery mix but neither noticed. Chase had stopped by once or twice, but quickly realized it was a futile gesture. Haley and Nathan were wrapped up in one another, and although Chase might have felt a slight pain at the ease with which Haley opened up to a complete stranger, he was mostly relieved she was talking to someone.

For the first time in months, Haley felt free from the weight of the pain that haunted her. She told Nathan about Chris—how she loved him and thought he loved her, how insecure she felt in the relationship as Chris always seemed to flirt with the girls who flocked to his shows at Tric and how he would tell her it was in her head, and how devastated she was when she walked in on Chris and one of the nameless girls from Tric. She opened herself up in ways she hadn't in months, and Nathan listened as she revealed more and more about her failed relationship, the ever present ache in her heart easing slightly as she laid bare her vulnerabilities.

In as long as he could remember, Nathan was enjoying talking to a woman with no ulterior motive in mind. No scheming to get her in bed, no plotting how to leave in the morning with no further commitment or obligation on his end. It was a very different experience for a guy used to getting whatever woman he wanted whenever he wanted. In the past, he never cared to listen to the women. Hell, half of the time he was lucky if he remembered their names. He was only interested in getting them into bed, and he wasn't afraid to use whatever persona necessary to achieve that. Arrogant, self-assured basketball star? Sensitive, shy man just looking for the right woman? Not interested asshole just out for a good time? He didn't care, not about the women and not about himself. As long as he got what he wanted in the end, everything else was collateral damage.

But Haley was making him rethink everything. He didn't want to play her, he didn't want to use her and then leave the next morning. For maybe the first time in his life, Nathan was content to just sit and talk with a woman. He couldn't deny that he wanted more with Haley, the thought of kissing those full lips had him shifting uncomfortably in his seat, but it wasn't his end goal. He wanted to learn everything about her. Her favorite colors, her favorite movies, what made her laugh, what her childhood dreams were. He didn't think there was anything about Haley he didn't want to know.

It was an odd feeling, one that Nathan had never experienced before. Even with his last relationship, there were never any true feelings on either end. Nathan liked having a gorgeous model as a girlfriend, Rachel enjoyed the perks of dating a popular NBA star. Nathan Scott didn't do emotions, he was generally a selfish asshole only concerned with himself, but one conversation with Haley was turning his worldview upside down.

"Hales, you know it's not your fault, right?"

Nathan felt as if that had been his constant refrain for the last couple of hours. The more Haley told him about Chris, the more he hated a man he had never met. Before him was this warm, funny, bright woman who also happened to be the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He couldn't understand what the hell this jackass was thinking when he cheated on Haley. The feelings of jealousy and anger that swept through him as Haley detailed her relationship with her ex-boyfriend were something Nathan had never really experienced before, but he didn't care. It had been a strange afternoon ever since he sat down at the bar, but Nathan wouldn't trade it for anything.

"I guess," Haley said as her finger traced designs on the wooden countertop of the bar. "Brooke tries to tell me that all the time. Sometimes I believe her, but sometimes I don't. It's hard when…."

Haley trailed off as she realized that the voice was silent and had been for hours. Having grown accustomed to the voice in her head that constantly taunted her with reminders of how she had screwed up so much over the last six months, it shocked her when she realized that she hadn't heard the voice since shortly after she and Nathan started talking. Even more shocking was the fact that Haley had sobered up quite awhile ago. The voice was always at its worst when she was sober and defenseless against its cruel taunts. It surprised her so much she couldn't prevent the snort of disbelief, blushing slightly when Nathan laughed.

"Was that a snort?" he managed to ask between laughs.

_God, she is adorable_, he thought to himself. He didn't even bother to question his atypical behavior. He didn't do "adorable" or "cute" or "quirky," all words that could describe Haley. All his previous dealings with women were one-sided with little to no feelings involved. The woman beside him was different, made him want to be someone worthy of her. The once-strange feelings he had experienced from the moment he met Haley now felt natural, as if he had known her all his life. Once they started talking, Nathan decided to stop questioning his unusual reaction to Haley and just go with it.

Whatever was happening between them felt right and he wanted it to last for as long as he could.

"No!" Haley exclaimed. "It was more of a … of a… oh, shut up," she said as Nathan continued to laugh. "Fine! It was a snort. Happy now?"

Nathan smirked as Haley's blush deepened. "You know it, Hales. What caused that oh so charming and ladylike snort? I hope you weren't thinking of me because that wouldn't speak well of my extreme manliness, now would it?" he said as he flexed his biceps.

Shaking her head at his gentle teasing, Haley marveled at the familiarity that had developed between them in such a short period of time. Having grown up with six older siblings, all of whom were fairly gregarious in his or her way, Haley had been relatively quiet as a child, oftentimes lost amongst the sea of older James children. It usually took her awhile to open up to new people, much less cute guys, so the fact that she was so easily talking—even flirting!—with Nathan was just another addition to the weirdness of the afternoon.

Except it didn't feel weird at all, not really. It seemed natural to talk and flirt with Nathan as if she had been doing it all her life. If she wasn't stone-cold sober, and had been for quite awhile, Haley would swear it was all the doing of the alcohol.

"So what was it?" Nathan's prompting broke Haley from her thoughts.

Haley shrugged, unsure about revealing the reason. Although she had shared more with Nathan in the few hours she had known him than she had with her best friend over the last six months, she was still cautious about divulging too much. Intellectually, she knew that the voice inside her head was merely a reflection of the guilt and insecurity she felt and that once she dealt with everything, it would more than likely fade away for good. Explaining that, however, was a different story. Explaining the voice meant telling Nathan about her mom and Haley just wasn't ready for that.

Shoving aside any thought of her mom, Haley focused on Nathan and whatever was developing between them. She didn't know what it was; all she knew was that she wanted it to continue for as long as it could.

"It was nothing," Haley said. At the look of disbelief on Nathan's face, she shrugged and mockingly sighed. "Okay, fine. If you really want to know, I was thinking of the rumors about guys and shoe size and, you know, a certain part of the anatomy and just how disappointed your past girlfriends must have been."

She had to bite back her grin at the look of indignation on Nathan's face. It was refreshing to be so carefree and lighthearted with someone. For so long, she had been mired in her own pain and misery, unable to move beyond the events of six months ago. She hadn't flirted with anyone in months. She had never been a big flirt, or all that popular with guys outside of platonic friendships, so this was all new territory for Haley.

"I'll have you know I've had no complaints in that area. But if you'd like to check for yourself…," Nathan jokingly leered as he waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Maybe I'll have to take you up on that offer. In the name of science, of course," Haley flirted.

Nathan nodded, attempting but failing to hide his smile. "Oh, of course. Purely for scientific research."

No longer able to hold back her laughter, Haley giggled and then blushed at the thought of testing that theory. Even sitting, she could tell that he was in great shape. His shirt clung to his chest and her mouth nearly watered at the sight of the sleeves of his shirt hugging his biceps tightly. He was, without a doubt, the most gorgeous man she had ever laid eyes on. Her nerves tingled as a wave of lust coursed through her as images of doing more than just 'scientific research' flashed before her eyes. She had only met Nathan a few hours earlier and already she was picturing him naked and doing all sorts of wicked, naughty things to him. Even with those lustful thoughts, she had never felt more comfortable with anyone. It was a strange dichotomy, to say the least.

Haley couldn't know it, but Nathan was having almost the exact same thoughts. Sitting next to him was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, and while the thought of doing more with Haley than just talking had him practically shaking with lust, the larger part of him was content to merely sit and talk with her. It was a very different, very new feeling for the (former?) playboy.

A loud noise startled the duo from their conversation. Chase was helping one of the bartenders bring in additional cases of beer, setting up for the evening rush. Glancing at her watch, Haley was surprised to see she and Nathan had been talking for several hours and it was now close to seven o'clock. Nathan pulled out his phone to check the time and noticed he had a couple of missed calls, mostly from Lucas.

"Wow, I didn't realize how late it was," Haley said as she reached for her purse.

"Neither did I. I guess time flies when you're in good company," Nathan said as he watched Haley move off the stool, not liking the pang of disappointment that hit him at the thought of Haley leaving.

Nodding, Haley stood by the now vacant stool awkwardly, wondering what to do next. She hated the thought of not seeing Nathan again, but she was too shy to ask for his number. Maybe she could mention she was hungry and he'd take the hint? But what if he didn't or worse, had no desire to? For the last several hours she had been happier, or as close to it as possible, than she had been in the last six months, and she was reluctant to walk away from that. Outside of Tric's doors, she knew the real world waited along with all the pain and heartache and misery that came with it. She and Nathan had created their own little bubble from the outside world and she was loath to destroy that sense of peace, at least for a while longer.

"Nathan, wo-would you—"

"I was thin—"

They both laughed at the interruption of each other. Haley smiled and said, "You were saying?"

"It's almost seven and I don't know about you, but I'm starving. Would you like to get a bite with me?"

Cheering on the inside, Haley simply nodded. At the "yes" Nathan gave her an ear-to-ear grin.

* * *

"I don't know how much longer I can do this, Lucas," Brooke said as Lucas opened his front door and she breezed past him.

"Well hello to you, too," he chuckled as he shut the door and followed his ranting girlfriend into the kitchen.

Turning and flashing a quick apologetic smile, Brooke leaned toward him to press a kiss to his cheek. "Sorry, babe. I had another fight with Haley and I just don't know what to do anymore."

She reached for a glass and turned to the faucet, filling the glass before facing Lucas and leaning against the counter. Some of her hair had escaped the ponytail and Lucas grinned as she tried to blow the long strands out of her face.

"What?" she asked before taking a sip from the glass. "What are you grinning at?"

"You, pretty girl. Is that okay with you?"

"More than," she beamed as she sat her glass on the counter and stepped closer, throwing her arms around his neck before pressing her lips to his.

The two kissed for long moments before Lucas pulled back. Ignoring Brooke's slight pout, he asked, "So what was your fight with Haley about?"

Brooke and Lucas hadn't been dating that long, but in that relatively short amount of time, she had confided in him about her best friend's depression and how it affected not only Haley, but Brooke and the two girls' friendship. Having grown up an only child with emotionally absentee parents, Brooke had no sense of being part of a true family until she met Haley their sophomore year of college. Becoming best friends with Haley James meant becoming a part of the James family, and Brooke was always warmly embraced at holidays or any other family gatherings. Lydia had often referred to Brooke as her "daughter from another mother" and Brooke referred to Haley's parents as "Mama James" and "Papa James." For the first time in her life, Brooke knew what it was like to be part of a warm, loving family.

Which made the last six months all the more difficult? Not only did Brooke feel like she lost her best friend, but she lost the only family she had ever really known. Haley had pulled away from her family and refused any contact with them. The James family was busy dealing with their own issues to reach out to Brooke, who was too involved with helping Haley deal with her grief so her own was left unresolved. Her best friend needed her, even if Haley couldn't or wouldn't recognize it, so Brooke tried to shove her pain aside as best she could so that she could focus on Haley.

Six months ago Haley lost her mom, and Brooke lost the only true mother figure she had ever known.

After Lydia's death, Haley was consumed by her own grief and guilt and was so determined to punish herself for her mom's death that any attempt to talk with her was met with anger or worse, silence. Brooke persevered, determined not to let her best friend fall into the abyss. It wasn't easy, however, with Haley refusing to discuss anything related to her mom or her failed relationship with Chris, and it seemed like the more Brooke pushed, the more Haley drifted further away from who she had been. Brooke no longer saw the Haley in front of her. Gone was the sweet, sarcastic, intelligent, kindhearted girl who always viewed the world through rose-colored glassed. In her place was a bitter, angry drunk who had given up on life and was content to let anything good in her life crumble into ash.

Watching Haley destroy any semblance of the life she once had broke Brooke's heart. Desperately wanting to help her friend, Brooke read books upon books dealing with the stages of mourning or advice on how to help a loved one cope with a loss. She couldn't pretend to completely understand the pain Haley was feeling at the loss of Lydia, but she wasn't completely clueless, either. Lydia may not have been her birth mother, but she was a mom to Brooke in every way that mattered. Although her first priority was helping Haley deal with her mom's death, there were times when Brooke had wished that she had someone who would let her cry and mourn the loss of the only mom she ever knew. With Haley hell-bent on ruining her own life, Brooke had never felt more alone.

Then she met Lucas and suddenly, she wasn't alone anymore.

They met one afternoon by quite literally running into each other at the grocery store. Usually not one for the buying groceries, Brooke was in a rush to pick up a few items when she rounded a corner and her cart was slammed by another, nearly causing her to fall backwards. She barely managed to bite back a curse at the impact, but all thoughts of berating a total stranger flew from her mind when she glanced up at the offender. He was a total fox. Tossing her hair behind her shoulder, Brooke offered a dazzling smile and her name. The fellow shopper introduced himself as Lucas Scott and, as a means of apology for his clumsiness, offered to buy Brooke's groceries. That offer led to Brooke inviting him to grab a cup of coffee as a way to thanking Lucas for his generosity. A cup of coffee turned into four hours of talking. As they were leaving the coffee shop, Lucas asked her to dinner and here they were, several weeks later.

Like her, Lucas was dealing with someone in a downward spiral. His brother Nathan injured his knee and could no longer play basketball, the game that had been his life since he was a toddler. Like her, Lucas felt helpless as Nathan insisted on burning what remained of his life to the ground. Like her, Lucas could only watch as his brother drank the pain away.

For the first time since Lydia's death, Brooke felt as if she had someone who would listen and allow her to mourn. Having Lucas by her side eased some of the pain in her heart, and as she began to heal, she couldn't help but grow angry at Haley's refusal to even try to talk about what happened. Brooke didn't pretend that one talk would fix Haley, but she couldn't understand why her friend refused to open up at all. Instead, Haley turned to the bottle and tried to find solace in alcohol. As Haley began to sink further into her depression, Brooke confronted her friend more and more, but the end result was always the same: an argument followed by harsh words, ending with one or both storming away. Rinse and repeat. It was quickly becoming old but Brooke was powerless to stop it. She only wanted to help Haley, in the only way she knew how.

The fight earlier in the afternoon was the last straw, however, and after she left Haley's apartment, Brooke rushed over to Lucas's house.

Brooke sighed as she wrapped her arms around Lucas's waist and leaned into his chest. "The same thing as always. I tried to get her to talk to me, she refused, I bitched at her, she bitched back. Another ugly scene."

"I'm sorry, babe."

"I just don't know what to do anymore, Luke. Haley seems determined to throw her life away but I can't sit back and watch that happen. She's my best friend; I can't watch her destroy her life."

"Pretty Girl, I wish I knew what to tell you," Lucas tried to comfort his girlfriend.

Raising her head, Brooke smiled and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. "Just listening to me is enough. Thank you, Lucas."

"C'mon, let's go sit on the couch and you can tell me more about it."

The couple moved to the living room and settled on the couch, Brooke curling into Lucas's side. She reached for his hand and began playing with his fingers as she wondered how to start. Sensing her hesitation and giving her a momentary out, Lucas said, "Did I tell you that I fought with Nathan this morning?"

Brooke shook her head and settled in to listen. She knew Lucas was having just as difficult time with Nathan as she was with Haley, if not more so simply for the fact that they were brothers.

"What happened?"

"Nathan was an ass, I was an ass. You know, the usual. He refuses to do anything—he won't follow the doctors' advice, he just sits in his house alone every day drinking. He's acting like the doctors told him he could never play basketball again. He need surgery and rehab and if he actually got off his ass and did something about it, the doctors said there is no reason to believe he wouldn't be able to play again," Lucas said as he vented his frustration. "But no, he has to act like a complete child and feel sorry for himself. His self-pitying act has gotten old."

"I know, babe," Brooke soothed. "And I'm not trying to make excuses for him, but maybe he's feeling guilty about the accident. After all, if he hadn't been drinking…"

"I know. He's told me he feels it's his fault he's injured, and he's right. What he did was incredibly idiotic, getting drunk with his buddies and then deciding to wrap his car around a tree, but he needs to move on some point, you know? I am so incredibly angry with him for wasting his life this way and destroying the potential he has, but at the same time, I'm worried he's falling into this depression that I can't get him out of."

Squeezing his hand, Brooke tried to reassure her boyfriend. "I feel the same way with Haley, I'm worried she's getting to a place where I'll lose her for good. I don't know what to do anymore. The more I try to help her, it's like the further away she runs from me." She sighed and laid her head back against the sofa. A few tears slid down her cheeks. "I'm losing my best friend, Lucas."

Freeing his hand from her grasp, Lucas wrapped his arms around Brooke, hugging her tightly. "You may not want to hear this, but maybe we just have to let them be. Nathan and Haley are adults capable of making their own decisions, even though we may not agree. Maybe we're doing more harm than good by forcing them to act the way we think they should."

"Maybe," she said doubtfully. "I've watched Haley make her own decisions these last few months and it's slowly killing her, Luke. I know Haley; I know she blames herself for Lydia's death and for everything with Chris. She's using that guilt as an excuse to drink. The drinking only makes the guilt worse and the vicious cycle starts all over again. I've lost Lydia already, I can't lose Haley too. I can't," Brooke cried, her voice cracking.

"You won't, Pretty Girl," Lucas reassured her. "But I think we need to back off the both of them for awhile. We're not going to be able to make them change, they're going to have to want it for themselves."

Brooke nodded her agreement, though she was still uncertain it was the best course of action. Although, everything else she tried had failed, so maybe Lucas was right.

"Do you think they will, Lucas?"

"I don't know, but we have to hope that maybe one day soon they'll find their reason to change."

* * *

"That did not happen!"

"I swear to God, I walked into my apartment one night and some stalker fan had convinced the building manager she was my girlfriend and had lost her key. She was laying on my bed stark naked," Nathan grinned as he relayed the story.

Haley's eyes were wide as she listened. "What did you do?"

"Slept with her, of course," was his nonchalant reply.

Eyes nearly bugging out of her head, Haley slapped her hand over her mouth in astonishment. He couldn't be serious? That was disgusting! What kind of man—

"Haley, I'm kidding," he said with a laugh. "I called the police."

"Really?"

"Really."

Unable to hide her sigh of relief (and ignoring why she was so relieved Nathan hadn't slept with that woman), Haley let out a nervous chuckle. Over the last two hours at dinner, they had shared more about themselves, but by mutual unspoken agreement, the conversation never delved into deeper territory. Feeling a bit raw and exposed after telling Nathan about Chris, Haley was determined not to make that same mistake twice. Nathan was stirring emotions in her that she hadn't felt in the longest time, if ever, and although only a few hours ago she was reveling in that, the distrustful, wary Haley of the past six months was rearing its ugly head again; warning her that Nathan was getting too close, that he would only hurt her in the end because what guy would want to be with a screw-up like herself.

Forcing herself to ignore the connection that burned between them, she told him about meeting Brooke, her job teaching (though she neglected to mention she had been fired several weeks ago due to unprofessional behavior), what she did for fun (well, what she did for fun before her days and nights were a haze of alcohol and pain and regret). She told him about growing up with six brothers and sisters (being careful not to mention anything about her mom or the currently strained relationship with her family). She told him a lot of superficial things about herself, but shared nothing of true consequence.

Nathan had noticed a shift in their conversation, as well as Haley's openness, over dinner. At Tric she had told him about her previous relationship, and Nathan instinctively knew she was confessing things she hadn't told anyone else. Their conversations since Tric, however, had been light, superficial even. At Tric, he felt a connection with Haley, an instantaneous one he had never felt with anyone before. He thought she felt it too, but now she was pulling away. And he was desperate to stop it. Haley was making him feel things he had never experienced before, and the thought of losing that bond with her was not something he wanted to contemplate.

So, for the time being, he took his cues from Haley, keeping the conversation easy. He told her about his time in New York, how much he enjoyed living in the city and the perks that came with playing in the NBA. He glossed over the painful memories of his time in New York—the way his life slipped out of control, the never-ending pressure he felt from the expectations of an entire city, the way he used women for his own pleasure, and especially of his accident and resulting injury. It was his past, nothing could be done to change it, and talking about it certainly wouldn't fix anything. Shit happened and that's all there was to it. He had already told Haley about his issues with his mother and how neglected he felt growing up. That was enough confessing for one night. Besides, there was no way Haley would ever want to be with him if she really knew what a colossal fuck-up he was.

"So were naked ladies throwing themselves at you just part of the job? Did watching you shooting your touchdowns get them all hot and bothered?" Haley exaggeratedly wagged her eyebrows.

Nathan couldn't stop a bark of laughter at Haley's mistake. "Touchdowns? I play basketball, not football. And it's free throws."

Shrugging, Haley grinned. "I don't know sports. I'm not what you would call 'athletic.' Used to drive my dad crazy. My brothers all played sports and my sisters are football fans. I was the lone non-sports person."

"What about your mom?"

Haley's heart raced at the innocent question. What if he asked more questions about her mom? Or about her relationship with her family? She couldn't tell Nathan about her mom. It was too painful, and how would he react if he found out her mom's death was Haley's fault?

She couldn't allow Nathan to get too close. Even as her heart was screaming that she could trust Nathan, her mind was telling her that once he knew about her mom, he would be running for the hills. She couldn't take that chance.

Not now.

Not after meeting Nathan.

Shaking her head, Haley replied in a quiet voice. "I need to go. Thank you for dinner." She looked around for their waiter. When he made his way over to their table she asked for the check over Nathan's protests.

"What? Haley, no. What's wrong? You don't have to go. Please, I'm sorry for whatever I said. Please, just stay," he begged her as he reached across the table to grab her hand. "Haley, please. Just stay with me."

Staring into his crystal blue eyes, Haley felt herself falling under a spell. She was so tempted to stay with him, to tell him everything that was in her heart. She opened her mouth to speak but closed it quickly as the voice came roaring back.

_He'll never want you, Haley. Not once he knows you killed your mom. That's why Chris cheated on you, you know. He couldn't stand to be around someone who had such blood on her hands. Why do think your family won't talk to you? Soon Brooke is going to leave too. _

It was better for Nathan if she left now before she got any more involved with him. He didn't need such a trainwreck in his life.

"I-I have to go, Nathan. It's better this way," she said as she prayed for the waiter to hurry up with the bill.

"Better? Are you kidding me? Haley, I know we just met, but we both know there is something between us. You felt it, I know you did," Nathan insisted. "When I look at you… we have a connection, damnit!"

"No, Nathan," Haley lied. "I think it was simply the alcohol. We're just two drunks who met in a bar and swapped sob stories for a bit." The lie was bitter in her mouth, tasting of unspoken regret and unrealized hope.

"That is such a lie and you know it, Hales."

What was she doing? Why was she lying? Nathan didn't understand. They had gone from light, flirty banter to Haley turning tail and running. What had he said to upset her so much? He went back over the conversation in his mind but came up blank.

Seeing the waiter approach with the bill in hand, Haley reached for her purse. She grabbed her wallet and hastily pulled some money to cover their tab. "Nathan, please. Don't make this into anymore than what it was."

"I'm not, Haley! There _is_ something between us, whether you want to admit it or not!"

Haley dropped the money on the table before standing. She looked at Nathan, the fire and passion burning brightly in his eyes, and it took every ounce of strength inside her to walk away.

"I can't risk it, Nathan," she said to herself as she walked away.

Nathan sat at the table, stunned. What just happened?


	7. Without a Noise, Without My Pride

**Hoooooooly smokes, you guys. Life got hectic and chaotic and writing fell by the wayside for awhile. I apologize for leaving this story without a new chapter for so long because I know how frustrated I feel as a reader when waiting for updates. I hope you enjoy this chapter. It's a bit heavy (well, the whole story so far has been so what's new?) and deals with the aftermath of the Naley encounter, but as you can see, each character seems to be making a more positive change. They still have a rocky road ahead of them but perhaps they see the distant light at the end of the tunnel?**

**Thanks for all of the lovely feedback-the reviews, follows and alerts. I really appreciate it and it means more than you know.  
**

**Again, I hope you enjoy this chapter!  
**

* * *

It had been several days since his encounter with Haley and Nathan was just as confused as he had been when she abruptly left. As he sat in the darkened living room day after day, a beer always within reach, his mind was never far from thoughts of the petite dark-haired beauty who had managed to turn his world upside down in a few short hours. Nathan racked his brain in an attempt to figure out what had sent Haley running so suddenly but came up empty. It was as much a mystery to him as the woman herself.

For the brief time he was with Haley, Nathan allowed himself to believe that maybe, just maybe, she could be the impetus he desperately needed in order to change. He found himself opening up to her in ways he had never opened up to anyone before, not even Lucas. He felt something with her, a connection he never imagined possible, and he would have sworn she felt the same. The way her eyes sparkled and shone in the low light of the bar, the open and vulnerable smile she gave as she told him about her cheating ex-boyfriend… it had to mean something, right?

But the way she departed so quickly, without a backwards glance, told him she clearly believed otherwise.

"Fuck it," he muttered to himself as he took a drink of his beer. "I don't need her."

_Liar_, the voice inside his head taunted. _You barely know her, but you need her, whether you admit it or not. _

"I don't fucking need her," Nathan said, ignoring the fact he was arguing with himself. "I don't need anyone, certainly not someone who is as screwed up as I am."

_She gave you a little bit of hope for the first time in months._

"Bullshit."

_Such a fucking lie. She made you believe, even for just a couple of hours, that your life doesn't have to be this shit show you've turned it into. But I guess she saw what a lost cause you are and decided to get out while she was ahead._

"Ahh, fuck off."

"And hello to you too, sweetheart," his brother drawled, interrupting Nathan's internal and external musings.

Nathan swiveled his head around to face Lucas, who stood in the doorway of Nathan's house. "I guess you didn't hear me knock over your argument with," he looked around to make sure Nathan didn't have one of his female guests around and seeing no one, continued, "yourself? And who is this 'her' you're talking about?"

Nathan sighed, unsurprised his brother would pick up on that. He hadn't revealed any specific details to Lucas about his encounter with Haley, only that he had talked to someone at Tric one night. He was confused as hell about the entire situation; he didn't need to add Luke's unwanted advice to the already screwed up mess that was his life.

"Nothing, man. It's…. nothing," Nathan said as Lucas came to join him on the couch, accepting the proffered coffee from his brother with a grateful nod.

Eyeing the disaster that was Nathan's living room, and then looking over his disheveled brother (who Lucas figured was currently drunk, judging by the amount of empty beer bottles scattered around the coffee table), Lucas shook his head. It hadn't escaped his notice that Nathan was in an even worse mood than when he was first injured. It had taken all of Lucas's patience (as well as several overt threats of physical violence) to deal with his brother. Whenever Lucas asked why Nathan he was so pissy lately, Nathan would only mumble about a conversation in a bar. Lucas assumed his brother got into a verbal altercation with someone, a not too infrequent occurrence. As long as cops weren't called, Lucas was content to let Nathan handle his own business. After his talk with Brooke a few days earlier, Lucas was trying to step back and stop interfering in Nathan's life, no matter how troubled his brother was. Nathan had to make the decision to get his life together; nothing Lucas said or did would make any difference.

_Trying_ being the key word, which explained why Lucas found himself at Nathan's door this morning, two coffees in hand. Although his brother said it had been nothing more than a couple of drunks talking, Lucas suspected there was more to it to cause such a decline in Nathan. Nathan hadn't been the picture of emotional health the past several months, but over the last several days, Lucas noted a marked difference. Nathan was drinking more than ever and although he wasn't normally Mr. Pleasant, he had been downright bad-tempered and mean. It reminded him of how Nathan was when Lucas went to New York to bring him back home, only worse. If was almost as of if there was something else, some new pain, Nathan was trying to escape.

"Are you sure, Nate? You seem….," Lucas searched for the right word, "different," he finished lamely.

Nathan laughed, the sarcastic tone heavy in the air. "Different? I think you mean drunker, Luke."

Shrugging, Lucas could only nod in agreement. "Any particular reason why? Did something happen? I mean, it's not like you were Joe Sober before, but over the last few days, you seem hell-bent on drinking yourself to oblivion."

"Well, maybe that's what I want. Honestly, Luke, what exactly do I have going for me? I have no job because of my screwed up knee, my girlfriend dumped my ass practically the same day I got hurt, my friends, well I have none, and I sit alone in my house all day. Why wouldn't I get drunk?"

Lucas sighed, and Nathan shook his head at the sound. He knew that sigh; he knew what was coming next. First, Lucas would tell him that he wasn't alone. Then he would mention that if Nathan only listened to the doctors and rehabbed his knee, there was no reason he wouldn't be able to play basketball again. Next would come the guilt trip, about how seeing Nathan like this hurt Lucas but there was only so much more he could take. Finally, Lucas would end by telling Nathan that he could change, but only if he wanted it. It was practically the same script every time, so Nathan was thrown for a loop by Lucas's next words.

"You're right," Lucas agreed. "Your life _is_ shit. I cannot think of one reason why you shouldn't be drinking constantly."

Nathan sat in stunned silence for a moment. He wondered if this was some new angle Lucas was working. Did he think if he got Nathan mad enough, he'd decide to stop drinking? Or was Lucas finally done with Nathan and all of his issues? It wouldn't surprise Nathan, he knew he had been nothing but a bastard to Lucas over the past several months, but his heart twinged slightly at the thought of his brother giving up on him. He deserved it no doubt, but the thought still stung.

"Surprised I'm not giving you the old pep talk?"

Nathan nodded. "Yeah. I mean, you've been hounding my ass for months about how I can do better, or that you're there for me, and other touchy-feely bullshit."

"Glad to hear that bullshit means so much to you," Lucas said, his words dripping with sarcasm. He waved off Nathan's mumbled apology. "Nathan, I can't fix you."

"Never asked for you to."

"I know, but you're my brother and as much as you may think I'm being overdramatic, it really does hurt me to see you like this. Whether you admit it or not, you're broken, Nate, but I can't, and won't, fix that. You're a grown man, capable of making your own decisions, and I have to let you do that, even if I don't agree with what you're doing," Lucas explained. "If you're going to drink, nothing I say will make you stop. If you want to sit here and wallow in your misery, so be it."

Nathan was confused. This is what he wanted, wasn't it? For Lucas to stop lecturing him every damn day and making him feel like shit? So why wasn't he ecstatic that Lucas was finally agreeing to back off?

"So, you're done with me?" Nathan asked.

Lucas shook his head. "No, Nate. You're my brother, and I love you. I'll always be here for you, but I am done interfering with your life. No more lectures, no more questions. When… _if_ you ever want things to change, I'm here to help but it's gotta be your decision, man."

Nathan leaned his head against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. His brother's speech gave him a lot to think about. Lucas had always been his best friend, but even with that, Nathan still found it hard to confide in him about certain things. Growing up, Lucas had always been the more sensitive of the two, the one more attuned to his own feelings and the feelings of others. Nathan had been so bullied, so mistreated by their father that he had established a hard shell around his heart to keep out unwanted emotion. Girlfriends in the past had complained about his relative lack of feeling but Nathan always shrugged it off. Emotions were weaknesses, a lesson Dan Scott had drilled in his youngest son's head from the time he was a young boy.

Then he met a spitfire of a woman in a bar and everything he knew suddenly changed. Haley awakened something in him, and he could feel the walls around his heart slowly crumbling; which was exactly why he was drowning himself in alcohol now, because emotions were pain and heartache and confusion and something Nathan didn't need.

Right?

The brothers sat in silence for a long while, both deep in thought, the stillness of the room broken by the occasional sip of coffee. Lucas was enjoying the comfortable silence while Nathan was considering Lucas's earlier speech, still unsure how he felt. On one hand, he appreciated Lucas's promise to stop interfering, but on the other, Nathan recognized that his own attempts at dealing with his problems hadn't solved a damn thing. Drinking didn't fix his knee, or bring Rachel back, or make him not less of an asshole. The only time he felt he had even remotely begun to deal with his issues was when he was with Haley. He found himself opening up to her, making himself vulnerable in ways he had never been with anyone else in his life, as if he had known her forever. It didn't feel weird that he was laying himself bare before her; if anything, it felt natural.

She left, though, with Nathan having no way to contact her. Leaving no last name or phone number, she disappeared into the night as if simply a lovely dream. The feelings she evoked in Nathan remained, however, the memories of the peace and comfort that rushed over him as he confessed his sins burning bright, so brightly that he resorted to drinking himself into oblivion in an attempt to forget.

But even the most potent alcohol couldn't completely extinguish those embers so Nathan, in the wake of Lucas's promise to leave him be, couldn't help but question whether he himself had the answers to all his questions. He had been taught by his father to not rely on anyone but himself, but his experience with Haley, no matter how brief, was making him believe otherwise. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to talk to Lucas about everything that had been going on the last several months. It was all so confusing.

Before Nathan could speak, Lucas slapped his palms on his thighs and then stood. "Well, as great as this talk has been, Nathan, I gotta jet."

Nathan merely nodded, unsure of what he should do. His life was a total and utter train wreck, and he sure as hell didn't have the answers, but maybe someone else did.

Ignoring Dan's voice in his head telling him he was being weak, Nathan took the leap. "Wait, Luke." He sighed; his next words were almost a whisper. "I…can you stay for a while?"

* * *

_She moaned as he trailed kisses down her throat, the moan turning into a giggle when he hit a particularly sensitive spot. His lips tickled her skin and her giggles threatened to turn into full-blown laughter. But then he… and oh yeah, right there… mmm, just a bit harder… _

_Her hands fisted the sheet beneath her as he teased and loved her with abandon. She felt him smile against her breast before he resumed his slow torture. Her hands drifted to his head, her fingers running through the dark strands as silent encouragement to never ever stop. He sucked her nipple into his mouth, biting the hard point gently, and she arched her back at the slight prick of pleasure tinged with a hint of pain. It was an intoxicating feeling. _

_She could feel the slow warmth of pleasure beginning to build low in her belly. "More," she whispered when her lover paused for a moment. "I need you."_

_His husky chuckle greeted her plea and if she hadn't been so drowsy with contentment, she would have glared at his response. Her hands directed him to her other breast in a not so subtle request. _

"_Please," she nearly begged and had to hold back a cry of relief when his hot mouth closed over her neglected nipple. "Oh god, please."_

"_What do you say, Hales?"_

_She moaned at the loss of his mouth on her breast. "Please, more…"_

_He nipped at the tender underside of her breast. "Nuh-uh, baby. Now, what do you say?"_

_Haley struggled to open her eyes to glower at her teasing lover. "Please, baby. Suck. Please."_

_Grinning, he rested his chin on her sternum. "Tempting, but no. You know what I want to hear."_

_Raising her head from the pillow to meet his gaze, she stared into his crystal blue eyes, smiling at the love and want and need reflected back at her. She lowered her hand to run it down his stubble-roughened cheek, and he turned to press a kiss to her palm. _

"_I love you, Nathan," she whispered as she threw her head back onto the pillow. _

"_You're worthless and no good in bed. Why else do you think I cheated on you so much?" _

_Expecting to feel the gentle pressure of Nathan's mouth on her breast, the words were like a bucket of cold water. Shocked at his response, she opened her eyes to find her ex-boyfriend looking down at her, a cold grin on his face. "I mean, face it, Haley. You killed your mom. I'm surprised I stayed with you for as long as I did after that." _

"_What?" she gasped as she scrambled to sit up. No longer was she in Nathan's comfortable bed, but in her former room at her parents' old house, dressed in a pair of her old, worn pajamas. "Chr—what is going on?" She looked around frantically as her ex-boyfriend continued to torment her. _

"_Did I ever tell you about the girl I slept with in your bed? Oh, that's right, you walked in on me," he taunted as Haley struggled to escape this nightmare. "Then you went and killed your mom. For shame, Haley." _

"_He's right, Haley-bub. You killed me." The voice of her mom floated over to her and Haley couldn't hold back her gasp of surprise. _

"_Mom? Wha—what's going on?" _

_Her mom smiled as she walked over to the bed, the familiar grin nearly causing Haley to cry. It had been so long since she saw her mom's warm and loving smile, though the harsh words blunted the expression. Her mom sat next to her on the bed, running her hand through Haley's hair. _

"_Oh Haley-bub, I know you don't want to hear it but it's because of you that I'm gone. You're the reason your brothers and sisters don't come around anymore." _

"_Mom," Haley cried. "I didn't mean to, you have to know that." Her words were punctuated by heavy sobs, her grief sounding loud and clear in the hushed room. Her mother's words echoed a deep truth within her. Her mom was dead and it was all her fault. There was no sugarcoating it. No excuses or apologies would ever bring her mom back. _

"_Haley, how could you kill your own mother?" Chris taunted next to her. "All the woman did was love you and that's how you repay her?" _

_Haley's sobs increased at Chris's cruel mocking, her pain deepening at the truthfulness of his words."Mom, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." _

"_That doesn't bring me back, hon."_

"_I know, Mom," Haley sobbed. "But I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." She repeated her apology over and over as her mom continued to sift Haley's hair through her fingers, a move reminiscent of the times her mom would comfort Haley growing up. _

"_You can't change the past, Haley. What's done is done," her mom said._

"_Yeah, Haley," Chris said gleefully. "What's done is done." _

_Haley curled into a ball, tears running down her face. "I'm so sorry," she chanted in an endless refrain. When her sobs eased slightly, she looked up, startled when she found her mom and Chris gone. She glanced around and couldn't stop the small sigh of relief when her gaze landed on Nathan. Scrambling off the bed, she rushed over to him and grabbed his hands. _

"_Oh Nathan," she said, hiccupping slightly from the aftermath of her crying. "I'm so glad you-"_

_To her shock, he roughly pulled his hands from her grasp. "Don't touch me," he growled, disgust painting his words. _

"_What? Nathan?" she questioned, her voice cracking. She reached for him again, only to be rebuffed._

_His eyes darkened, no longer full of love. "Why would I want to be touched by a murderer like you?" he spat out. _

_Haley reeled back, stung as if he had physically struck her. "Nathan, please. Don't say that."_

"_Why not? It's the truth, Haley. Why would I _ever_ want to be with someone who killed her mom?" _

Haley shot up in her bed with a strangled cry, tears streaming down her face as Nathan's last words echoed in her mind. She looked around, expecting to see the familiar surroundings of her old bedroom, but was relieved to recognize her own room. It had been nothing but a dream, but it had seemed so real. Chris's cruelty, her mom's admonishments, Nathan's hatred… it all seemed too real.

Since the night she ran from Nathan, too scared of the feelings he stirred inside her and the consequences that could bring, she had had similar dreams every night. They all started the same—she and Nathan were in the middle of making love, two familiar lovers teasing and flirting without a care in the world. Being with Dream Nathan felt so comfortable, so right and natural, like it was the place she was always meant to be, living the life she was always meant to have. She was happy, happier than she could remember being in the longest time. Then the dream world would turn into her nightmare reality with reminders of the blood on her hands. Sometimes it was just her mom berating her, other nights it was her mom and Chris. The worst was when her dad joined her mom in asking what Lydia did to deserve Haley killing her.

No matter the players in the dreams, they always ended the same: Nathan declaring that he could never be with her. Each morning she awoke, tears streaming down her face and a deep ache in her heart. The only thing that surprised her was how much that ache was for Nathan and what could have been, if she wasn't so scared.

Taking a deep breath, Haley wiped her eyes and prepared to face the day. A quick brush of the teeth, followed by a hot shower, gave her a chance to settle her nerves after yet disturbing dream. With no job to get ready for, she wasn't sure why she spent the effort but she supposed that she wasn't quite that pathetic enough yet to lay around in her own filth all day. As she showered she attempted to put the latest dream out of her mind, but like with everything else in her life, she failed.

When her mom died, and Chris left, her entire world shattered. She was left alone to pick up the pieces but she was too emotionally numb to do anything. She found false solace in the bottle. But the bottle was no friend and soon, it destroyed what little good she had left in her life. Her job, her family, her friends… everything disappeared in the haze of drunken days and even drunker nights. The only thing that remained was the broken shell of the woman she used to be.

But then, a few days ago, she met a man who, for the first time in months, gave her a reason to hope. That she could be better, that she could be healed, that she could be found worthy of love again. The little voice inside her head that taunted her unmercifully had been silenced completely, and Haley finally felt the peace she had been searching for since her mom's death. It was exhilarating and terrifying and wonderful and Haley sensed that this man held the key to her happiness. However, that happiness remained out of reach as Haley let the feat that had controlled her life for the last six months rear its ugly head again. Scared of what Nathan would say if he ever found out her role in her mom's death, and unwilling to believe he might not blame her, Haley did what she did best: she ran. She ran so fast, so quickly, and tried to shove thoughts of Nathan from her mind so far that the entire night seemed like some hazy dream.

Reaching for the faucet to turn off the water, Haley resolved to not think about Nathan any more. Whatever had happened between them, whatever quirk of fate brought them together that day was of no matter. She had to move on from that night.

Grabbing the towel she hung over the shower rod, she wrapped it around herself and pulled back the curtain, only to let out a startled shriek.

"What the hell, Brooke?! "

Her best friend was sitting on the closed seat of the toilet, intently reading a magazine. "Good, you're done," she chirped as she flipped a page. "Oooh, they're saying green is the new pink and that yellow is the new red."

"Brooke! What the hell are you doing here? In my bathroom, waiting on me to get out of the shower? Kinda creepy, don't you think?" Haley asked as she stepped out of the shower.

"Tutor Girl, please. We lived together for how long in college? You forget I've seen you naked," Brooke retorted as she continued to flip through the magazine.

"Still doesn't make this less creepy," Haley muttered as she walked out of the bathroom. "Why are you here anyway?"

The cheerful brunette bounced into the bedroom. "I thought we could hang out today. You know, have one of our girlie days."

Weakly smiling, Haley only shrugged. "Yeah, maybe."

"Don't sound so enthused, Haley," Brooke drawled, crossing her arms over her chest. Quirking an eyebrow, she continued. "Look, I know I've been pushing you to talk to me about what happened with your mom and with Chris but no more, I swear."

Haley couldn't hide her surprise. "What changed? You've been hounding… I mean, checking on me practically every day. What gives?"

Brooke walked over to Haley's bed and sat on it, reclining against the headboard. She patted the space next to her, silently asking Haley to join her. Grabbing a robe she had hastily thrown over a chair, Haley wrapped it around herself before sitting beside Brooke.

"Will you listen to me for a few minutes? I mean, really listen and not walk away or change the subject?" Brooke asked.

Haley slowly nodded, unsure of what her friend was going to say. "Br—"

"I mean it, Haley. Just… listen, okay? After I say this, I promise I won't bring it up again and no more lectures from me."

"Okay, Tigger."

Brooke sighed and Haley felt a sense of dread wash over her. She had only seen Brooke this serious a handful of times over the course of their friendship so she braced herself for what was to come.

"Haley, I think you need to talk to someone. You won't talk to me, which I admit, that hurts because you're my best friend, but I guess I can understand. I'm not exactly biased here—I loved your mom and I was never a fan of Chris. So maybe you feel like I can't understand or I'm too close to the situation, I don't know," Brooke said as she played with the hem of her shirt.

"Brooke, I—"

"Haley, please. Just let me finish. You owe me that."

Thinking of what she had put her best friend through over the last six months—the fights, the drunken tears and recriminations, the casual disregard of their friendship—Haley nodded.

"Thanks," Brooke said. "For whatever reason, you can't or don't want to talk to me but I think you need to talk to someone."

At Brooke's words, Haley immediately thought of Nathan and the peace and contentment she felt when she was with him. She wanted to think that he could help her but she knew if she was wrong, if he walked away from her once he knew what she had done, that would be the final blow to her already fragile psyche.

Determined to finally say what she had wanted to say for months, Brooke pressed on. "Maybe someone who didn't know your mom or Chris. I think it could really help you, but it has to be your decision. Just think about it, okay? The next thing I want to say is this: your mom's death is not your fault."

At the mention of her mom's passing, Haley instinctively shrunk away. Brooke grabbed her hand and held it between her own. She gripped Haley's hand tightly and tried to get her friend's attention.

"I know you blame yourself, Haley, but listen to me and listen good: Lydia's death? Was not your fault. At all," Brooke said, her tone vehement. Haley had spent too many months blaming herself for the accident and Brooke was determined to stop that.

"I don't know how to make you believe that. Tell me what to say and I will. You weren't the one driving the car that hit your mom. You weren't the asshole who decided to get drunk and run a red light. You didn't kill your mom."

"But Brooke, she was-"

"Haley, I know she was coming to see you but you couldn't have known what was going to happen that night."

Sometime during Brooke's speech, Haley's eyes filled with tears and she couldn't stop them from falling. Part of her wanted so badly to believe what Brooke was saying, but the broken girl inside of her was resistant. She shook her head as a way to blunt Brooke's words as her friend continued.

"Your mom wouldn't want you to blame yourself, Haley. She loved you so much," Brooke said quietly, her voice cracking with pent-up emotion.

Shaking slightly from the force of her sobs, Haley leaned into her best friend, resting her head on Brooke's shoulder. The two girls cried together for long minutes. After the tears had stopped, and the duo composed themselves, Haley sat up, her mind overloaded with images Brooke's words evoked.

Her mom laughing as Haley's dad twirled her around their old kitchen.

Nathan's smile at Haley's confusion over the sport he played.

Her mom singing softly as she made supper while Haley sat at the kitchen table.

Her brothers and sisters laughing at her dad's poor attempt at karaoke on a long-ago Thanksgiving night.

Nathan's bright blue eyes that made her believe there was something better out there for her.

Haley was feeling raw, her emotions a jumbled mess. Part of her rejoiced at Brooke's passionate speech on her behalf, but that troublesome inner voice was telling her that Brooke was simply lying. Her heart was telling her to trust that Nathan wouldn't hurt her, but her head was shouting how Chris had betrayed her and broken her heart. She was torn and scared that whichever path she followed would be the wrong one. But maybe it was time to make that decision.

"So do you hate me now, Tutor Girl?" Brooke's soft whisper broke the stillness.

Haley did the only thing she could at that moment: she laughed. Brooke looked shocked but after a moment, joined her.

"No, Tigger. I know you mean well and I also know I haven't been the greatest friend lately. I…I appreciate the words and I so badly want to believe them, but…" Her voice trailed off.

"It's the truth, Haley," Brooke insisted.

Haley nodded. "It's _your _truth, Brooke. And I'm not saying it won't ever be my truth, but right now?" She took a deep breath before continuing. "I've done a lot of things over the past several months that I'm not proud of. I've spent so long punishing myself for my mom's death that it's not going to go away just like that. I _want_ to believe you, Brooke, I really do, but it's going to take some time."

Brooke nodded, unsure of what to say next. "So, will you? I mean, talk to someone?"

Nathan's smiling face flashed before her eyes. Haley nodded slowly. "Yeah, maybe."


End file.
